05.03.2023 - (The Concept of) Settling While You’re Young - Public Diary

     05.03.2023 - PUBLIC DIARY OF THE DAY !!!

 PERFECT CHILD, PLUGGED IN SINCE THE WOMB; 

 PROPHET OF THE DUNE IN THIS ELECTRIC TOMB. 

GOOD MORNING BALLERS,

    Today’s topic of the day… is the idea of settling down romantically while one is young, and the implications of such!

Let’s begin by saying that I’m and only eighteen, which is widely considered young and naive. Because of that, my diary entries should be taken with a huge grain of salt that has “will probably change their mind later” written on it. Now we can move on to this discussion of romance.

I chose this topic because a couple days ago marked the first time that I had missed my current boyfriend while he was gone, like truly missed him. Not in the way where I’m missing the idea of hanging out with the person, but in the way where I was wishing he was physically with me and thinking about him being next to me and staying there until I perished. I don’t often miss people because I feel content on my own and in relationships I know I will see the person later. Missing someone usually indicates that I see them as a positive addition to my life and I am a better person with them. It makes me feel a little juvenile sometimes but I like indulging in those kinds of feelings every once in a while. Missing him led to me wondering if I really do like him or if I was just craving companionship, filling some sort of social and physical need. I concluded that the relationship wasn’t just out of convenience but it would be great if the settling part could come faster and the honeymoon phase would end so I could understand the feelings I have and make a logical decision rather than one led by hormones and unknowns, because frankly I have spent a lot of time noodling around and having meaningless exploration-based fun relationships. 

With these thoughts, I felt like I just wanted a stable relationship where I can establish whether I would be spending my life with the person because I have had all the “experience” I need. And then, pretentiously, I felt as if the exploration period of a relationship is time-consuming. But the only way out is through. People say I “shouldn’t” want to even dance with the prospect of settling down so early or something. But that’s usually because people say there’s so much “exploration” to be had and I’ve had mine. Every relationship I’ve had since my last major was has been waters I have already navigated, and I feel like I don’t need to explore anymore, like it’s all redundant. It makes these young relationships to me feel as if they’re redundant and I am just getting the same “lessons” thrown back at me over and over and because I’ve learned my lessons I had been averse to taking any relationship seriously before my current boyfriend. Maybe I’ll want to explore later in my life, yeah, but I wouldn’t be losing anything by entering a four or some odd years long relationship. I could always make new connections. 

Maybe I’d be losing the opportunity for a “new” and “exciting” relationship at the age of 20, but the thing is that I DON’T want that kind of instability and stress at that age. I want a life where I have a happy everyday experience, something stable so I can focus on my studies and career. I would want someone who knows me already. Someone I trust at that age. Doesn’t everyone want a relationship where they trust and love the person built and based upon the years they have known each other? Where they have been together for enough time that it feels safe to be around each other and natural to do so? What if I want that for when I’m twenty? Wouldn’t that require me meeting that person right now, to build that trust and love that will be there for me later when I truly need it? Well, as that sits I will say my goodbyes to you, dear reader.

FAREWELL AND UNTIL NEXT TIME !!!