05.02.2023 - The Creation of Identities (and the Idea Behind Them) - Public Diary

05.02.2023 - PUBLIC DIARY OF THE DAY !!!

 GOLD MINES MELTING MEN IN THE SUNSHINE. 

 SPOILED WINE TASTES SO SWEET WE HAVE GONE BLIND. 

GOOD MORNING BALLERS,

     Today’s topic of the day… is the creation of identities and the idea behind them.

     tw: mentions of grooming and topics related to it

First and foremost, I don’t expect anyone to read these, friend or otherwise. All I’m going to be doing is babbling on about stupid things so there is no reason to read them unless you wanted to kill some time or have some level of obsession with me. If you are neither of those I suspect you’ll stop reading in a couple lines. Today is the first public diary entry for me on this website so I also think it’ll be unorganized and maybe illogical as the result of it being the second day of the blood moon, or shark week, or hell week, this month. Maybe you’ll read this and find out something about me or realize you hadn’t known me at all. Hopefully that means the stupid and pretentious dichotomy of my life ends. When I was young I created an alternate online counterpart that is a part of my identity that I haven’t reabsorbed yet, so today’s entry is practically a breakdown and analyzation of the creation of those older identities that kids create. 

Of course, it’s partially because I aspired to be what I had created and because I wanted an escape from reality… but why do people assume these identities? What part of living an everyday life as a preteen makes people feel the need pretend to be someone older just so they can learn about life? From what I can see, people from my generation and the generations adjacent to mine don’t have access to ways to learn about life from a young age. We wanted to learn about relationships, about people and how to live. I believe problem was that, mainly in the United States, life for kids was shaped around them instead of being adult-based. Instead of kids eating real meals they are given kids meals. Instead of sitting at the same table they are given the kids table. Adults like to have their own lives separate from kids’ lives, I do too. But I still think this created this environment for me where I was raised to… be a kid. I wasn’t raised to be an adult I was raised so that I would be a kid in my adult life and I think that might’ve been how it was for a lot of other people. When I was a kid I was treated like a kid. If you don’t treat a kid like an adult, for maybe just everyday conversation or acknowledgement of feelings and concerns (not adult-only things), then they do not learn how to be an adult. As a result of that, I ended up creating this online counterpart of mine. One who pretended to be a teenager when I was maybe eleven years old and it grew with me, aging as I did. Now I’m eighteen and I’m admitting that when I was young I was pulled into communities I had no business being in because I didn’t understand the repercussions of it. I was young and I didn’t know what I was doing. I had the drive to learn about life and I ended up in those places. An eleven year old. I don’t think it was because of coercing or grooming and it wasn’t because my eleven year old self wanted to be exposed to those things, I just wanted to learn about life, I was so isolated and these were the only places where I felt like I could connect to people.

When I think back on it, it always feels like I was the one who did something wrong, but in what world should that blame be put on an eleven year old? At some point, something that happens so often and to so many people has to be related to a bigger problem. What I’m wondering is what is that bigger problem that creates such a strange situation for people of my generation. What is wrong? I hear the stories from people I know and it seems like they turned to the internet because the idea in-person friendships have become superficial or because they couldn’t hang out with friends if their parents were strict or the wide variety of content people are exposed to caused too much of a difference in what peoples interests could be that they couldn’t find people like them without turning to the internet. I turned to discord February of 2016. That was seven years ago. Again, I was eleven. At that point, I had already been on Tumblr and other various websites for a while and had been left to my own devices on the internet (pun intended). I think because my mother had been interested computer science earlier in her life and then stopped when she went to college, that she didn’t understand how much the internet had grown and how complex the collections of information and media were, so she let me have free reign. She thought I was just watching YouTube, watching movies, listening to music, and playing video games but I was also interacting with the communities within those activities. It’s good that I turned out an okay person. I have healed over time and my mental state is a lot healthier than it used to be and I have noticeably been consistently happy.

Now I’m just rambling. There’s more reasons why people may create identities but I think all that stuff was the main cause of it being such a phenomena. I also believe that we are still in a time where use of the internet is unregulated and unorganized, that we are free to do what we please online and data collection laws are very much still in early stages like copyright related to digital media (videos and art) that isn’t published by big companies but by individual internet users. 

Anyway… 

     SO LONG, BALLERS! I hope this was a good read and I will catch YOU next time.