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Hateful Night / Quietly, Calmly, and Hatefully

I lie awake.  Quietly, calmly, and hatefully.  I don’t know why I was awake, I just was.  It was 3 in the morning, I had school at 7.  I started thinking, quietly, calmly, and hatefully.  Why?  Why was I the way I am, why did I act the way I did?  What’s my purpose in the world?  I never did anything, well I guess did some things.  Just only when I wanted to.  All these thoughts came to my head. “You’re a horrible person.” “Why do you exist?” “You should be slimmer.” “Everyone is watching you.”

I started to feel hot and sweaty. My head was pounding like I had been bashed in the head with a heavy object.  Not again.  The thoughts just kept coming. “Disappear, that’s what you should do.” “Why can’t you just be like everyone else?” “Why are people friends with you?” “Just give up already.” I wanted to cry, but I didn’t.  I couldn’t.  So, I just lied there. Quietly, calmly, and hatefully.

I had to distract myself.  I grabbed my phone and headphones, It started working.  . . Nevermind.   The music just made it worse.  It’s now 5 in the morning.  I woke up.  Everything is a blur, physically and mentally.  My pillow is stained with tears.  I’m sore, everything hurts to the point where I can’t move.  But I move anyway.  Quietly, calmly, and hatefully.  I looked like I saw someone die.  I was pale, my hair had definitely seen better days.  Not like it mattered, I planned on taking a shower anyway.  

2 in the afternoon.  I was on the bus.  The day turned into a blur,  I felt guilty.  Extremely Guilty.  Guilty to the point of wanting to vomit.  . .Why?  I don’t know.  All I know is that I left that bus quietly, calmly, and hatefully.  Only soon would I realize that one hateful night would turn into two hateful nights.  

Those hateful nights will leave as soon as they came as I give up the grudge of quietly, calmly, and hatefully being myself.  I’ve reflected and I’ve decided I no longer want those hateful nights.  I’ve decided those hateful nights will now be lovely days.  Quietly, boldly, and lovely.