crush culture

I'm writing this cause I don't really know how I want to present myself here but I remember that you probably don't know who I am so all good. Anyway, my first crush I remember it was in primary when I started liking him. I was popular but I always felt kinda lonely and he was the class clown. I don't know if he made anyone else laugh but he made me laugh. I remember he came up to me first because our parents knew each other. I think it was only normal for him to come up to me because he recognized me but I was really happy when he did. We were in the same class one year and I think that was when I liked him. We sat together most of the year and went to the same tutor outside of school, so we spent a lot of time together. Our families were close too so we got to see each other when our families went out. I liked him that whole year but never told anyone. Next year we were separated. I was a bit sad but we still got to see each other outside of school so it was alright. He was one of my friends' class and I remember she kept talking about him to me but I never thought much of it. Until one day she asked me if I liked him, I don't remember my answer but I know I asked why. I think this was one of the moments in life when you pray that it's not what you think it is but it is. She told me it was caused she liked him. I can't blame her for anything because I never told anyone but obviously, I couldn't tell her now. I laughed it off and told her no it's ok I didn't like him. I remember she then told me she asked me that because that boy had a crush on me. Amazing right? I don't remember what I felt right then but thinking about it now I think I was a little happy. I know I sound horrible and I feel guilty but I can't help it yk. Something in me was really happy but saying it out loud makes me feel like a selfish person. Skipping all that though it was really hard maintaining the friendship between me and the boy. You know all that bullshitterey of girl code and stuff like that. We drifted apart but we didn't entirely stop talking but we only talked about stuff that was important and stuff like that. But I do miss him sometimes. We actually talked again but he was saying that I was ignoring him and stuff like that. He already knows that my friend liked him so I explained to him girl-code but he still says that I ignored him and he tells that to other ppl. I'm a bit salty about it still. Sorry for the rant.