My younger self is bawling rn

Five years ago, I had a list of things that I wanted to accomplish, but thought were impossible. It was probably anxiety mixed with past failures and just... being a teen which is a very difficult age to be, but as of yesterday, I completed that list! It's perfect timing as I'm turning twenty and so not only did I accomplish everything; I did it all in my teens!

I only started living my dreams exactly a year ago, but it wasn't really intentional. Stuff just kept happening until my life just suddenly became exactly how I used to envision it. Sure, it still took a lot of effort on my part, but I didn't expect it to work out so perfectly.

Back then, I was isolated and socially awkward with undiagnosed anxiety, ADHD, and probably depression. I wanted to be a musician, but couldn't see myself actually being good at it. I also had a terrible relationship with my siblings, who made it their personal goal to ruin any shred of self confidence I had in myself. Though I did have friends, they weren't great. They blatantly treated me terribly and I just let them because I thought that's what I deserved.

But now??? Everything is flipped.

I have some amazing friends. So many, in fact, that I can't get away from them sometimes. I have a main circle of four or five friends that I really trust and can tell them anything. Then, there's other people who also feel like family. They're all long distance unfortunately, but we check up on each other all the time. It's amazing. I'm also making friends at a job that I love and looking forward to doing every day, plus my relationship with my siblings is completely mended, so it's actually really hard to have time to myself when I'm being surrounded by so many awesome people.

Not only that, but my main circle of friends are all musicians, and we met at a musician internship, so we played music together all the time, which was my dream. I used to go to bed at night and cry over the fact that I had no friends to play music with in the woods or something. Then, last summer, I made the exact friends I dreamed of. Like, How crazy is that?!

As for being a musician, that isn't a career plan anymore, but it's still a huge passion. I learned how to write songs during my internship, started taking voice lessons after several years of being self-taught and too embarrassed to show off my voice, and finally performed my first vocal solo last night!

That almost means the most to me because of how insecure I used to be about my voice. I would never let anyone hear me sing. I couldn't even stand recordings of me talking. Finally yesterday, I was able to show what I've learned over seven or eight years of secret practice sessions in the car. When I took the stage, I decided to just enjoy the song and the way it feels to sing instead of focusing on the sound. That made a difference.

Looking back at the recording, I looked really confident, smiled, and even danced a little to the song. It was the opposite of how I felt, but I'm super proud of how far I've come. And wow, hey, I actually have a good voice! I can't believe it took me this long to realize it. Of course, I have a long way to go, but for my first time performing solo??? It was perfect.

So yeah, now I'm getting ready for my second year of healing and also making a list of things I want to accomplish in my twenties. Stuff like moving out, getting a job in the writing industry, joining a band, stuff like that. Can't wait to see what it's like in five years!