Love the Effort

At the time of me writing this, I am freshly 34 years old. I’ve been in four serious relationships with women. Throughout those relationships I have learned a lot about myself — a lot about the person I want to be with, and most important the person I wanted to become; the one constant through all of those relationships is love. The way I am if I tell someone “I love you”, that’s forever, it may not be always be romantic love, but they will always hold a special place in my heart. I will always care about them, and I will always want them to be happy.

Throughout my work as a filmmaker the subjects which I have returned to repeatedly, are the stories which love and relationships are at the center. In my first short film, Engagement, I wrote a silent film about a man on a journey to to propose to his girlfriend, only to be foiled by a jealous street vendor; Loveless is about love cut short by tragedy; Hate’s Forgiveness avenging the death of a love one; Black Kiss the most carnal version of love. Again and again I return to this subject, just something about it appeals to me and makes me want to share it with the world.

With love being an appealing subject to me, I have put a lot thought into what love means. Given culturally we have one definition revolving around the romantic kind of love, which I think most would argue is not really healthy for the vast majority of people, the conclusion I’ve come to is love is simply trying.

This definition does come with the caveat, if you’re in an abusive relationship, no amount of trying is going to change that person. That kind of change has to come from the abuser, and no one else.

Love is work, no matter what kind of love, platonic, or romantic, you got to keep up appearances to maintain a relationship. It means you don’t give up when things aren’t sunshine and rainbows. Our society, as much as it puts pressure on the idea of finding romantic love, it also casts the myth that if you’re not happy all the time in a relationship you should just end it, right then and there.  The thing is in our culture we’re not taught the difference between a rough patch, and what is truly the end of a relationship. In some cases it’s obvious when it’s not a rough patch, abuse, neglect, and infidelity, are just a few examples I can think of that aren’t just rough patches, but too many times I’ve heard of friends ending a relationship just because it got “too hard”, and “love isn’t suppose to be hard”.

In my experience that’s bullshit. We are all different people, just like Mister Rogers taught us as kids, “no two people are the same” you’re going to have your differences, you’re going to argue, you’re going to piss each other off over trivial, dumb things. The important thing is to remember you have this person in your life for a reason, you wanted them there for a reason even if you’re not conscious of the reason, there’s meaning in their presence. If you’re not willing to work things out with that person why did you bother bringing them into your life in the first place?

Now in some cases life does get in the way, maybe you’re both not in the same place anymore as when you first met, and the relationship just doesn’t make sense anymore, that’s OK. The important thing is to recognize that, and not be bitter, or hold a grudge, but to let that person pass out of your life.

For the people in your life who that isn’t the case, you can’t let something as trivial as a disagreement get the way, you got to try.

Our culture promotes a lot of very materialistic forms to show love, but there’s no replacement for the action of working out problems with a loved one. That work can show in many forms, talking being the best and most healthy form. I cannot think of any healthy relationship in my life in which I can look at it and not see two people who communicate amazingly well, and put in the effort to keep two people together.

If you have someone you love, romantic or platonic, the best way to show them you do in fact love them is not with a grandiose gestures, those memories fade, and can be quickly replaces with the memory of a mistake. Only putting in the work in a relationship — only trying to keep that person in your life — to show them they are worth having in their life will lead to a long lasting relationship.

Take a minute, think about the people in your life whom you could not live without, it could be a best friend, a family member, or a partner, and take some time in the next few days to show them what they mean to you.

It could be as simple as texting them to say you were thinking of them, setting up a Zoom call, or sending them a meme you know they’ll love. After that gesture, continue showing them how much you love them, day after day, week after week. We as humans need love in our lives, and continuing to try with the people in your life whom you care the most about, what they mean to you, will ensure you’ll never live a life without it.