wasting words on lowercases and capitals

it's been a while since i last posted on here, a month almost? damn. got away from me a bit. i wanted to update the day after i saw the 1975 because it was awesome and i had fun but like a lot of other stuff in life i just never got around to it. on friday (it's 3am on sunday for me) i saw coldrain, papa roach and one of my favourite bands, the used <3 it was fucking incredible, i met joey and jepha!!! bert shouted out to my little group of 5 that he loved us as he ran by because y'know. busy guy. and it melted me how lovely the 3 of them are, on and off stage. my photo with joey is forever crazy special. that band inspires me so much.

 i should be over the moon like i was last night(i'm saying last night ok. time works around ME) right? but i'm not. frankly (haha) i feel fucking miserable. my fault for listening to sparklehorse while reading fic about everything you wish you had (which is frankly just love no longer in the shape of a bullet to my temple or a knife that hits just to the left of my spine.). 

someone i actually liked went off at me and more or less called me pathetic among other things because i had quietly complained about seeing stuff from her that set me off (if you understand) badly but still wanting to be around her and not knowing what to do. she said i was shit talking her and that i was being fucking dramatic, that me "having a bad day" as she put it (to make herself feel better)  didn't matter. if someone felt the same way i felt about the situation which someone definitely has, i wouldve been a lot more fucking empathetic. 

but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter, their rude words show who they are and me messaging their partner to make sure they'll be okay shows who i am. it's pretty much just relationship stuff that's been fucking me over. i feel lonely and i look for love in almost exclusively dangerous ways. i won't get into it but i recently got out of a situation that was definitely abusive and i'm still getting over all these emotions. i gave myself a new piercing today. been listening to the quiet things (...) by brand new on repeat which i do pretty much every time i have big emotions like this if it's not mcr/frank/thursday/the used related. i've been writing a lot, when i release anything it'll mostly just be writing to the void like on here but i don't mind. i talk to myself more than i talk to most of my "friends" so i'm used to it. not in a negative way, just in the "i'm speaking to speak" kinda way. i'm gonna work on some tattoo designs maybe. i need new ones. the new piercing isn't filling the craving for something new efficiently enough. 

i dyed my hair black. drastic, right? drastic like heat, whiskey breath and moving legs in a taxi back seat for me. i was aiming for dark brown. i miss my blond. i had my hair raspberry for like a week and it faded HORRIBLY. that's why i went dark, that is after i tried to dye it raspberry again and just did NOTHING. the 3 failed dye attempts and $60 out i was left scrambling for box dye. *shudder*. oh well. surprisingly my hair feels fine. not even dry. 

my live band tally is preeetty good so far. waax, fall out boy, jimmy eat world, my chem, wallice, the 1975, coldrain, papa roach, and the used in that order. covid fucked me up as you can tell, seeing fob at 14 was awesome but i was seen as too young for shows so. 2020 was gonna be my show year. seems like this year is though which is cool, 19 isn't too old to start anything except primary school and drinking. 

at the easter show which was 2 FUCKING DAYS BEFORE THE 1975 (i had to schedule it fucking weirdly) (i was in pain.) but the day was good. first year i didnt get showbags which dad yelled at me for, for some reason. because he gave me money i guess but i spent that on rides. the joys of separated parents, guilt(?) money from ur dad who you see once every 2 weeks and just get constant whereareyouwhatareyoudoingwhyareyououtsidegohomeidonttrustyououtside messages and calls daily. the pink cowboy hat i bought with my friend has been sitting on the side of my bed i don't sleep on (giant bed) n i just. see it when i wake up. i feel like it's making eye contact with me. it doesn't have eyes but i feeeeel itt. 

anyway it's almost 5 now. i got distracted by a lot of stuff and i'm not even sure of what i wrote but that's the fun in this i guess. peanut butter english muffins and black coffee when i wake up, nice and warm. nice. maybe a bit of sugar.

goodnight! xo