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in between my last writepril and now i had a hard conversation with my mom. sometimes its scary to witness adults going through the things i thought i had beat when i was younger. it makes me scared to think about how long life is sometimes. im afraid of what might happen to me. Im scared of not always feeling greatful to be alive. right now i am so confident that nothing is stagnant and i will never feel trapped. if i ever feel trapped, i feel like i can easily cast something away and life will still feel novel and exciting. i dont want to stop feeling like that. i wish it never stopped and i wish that adulthood didnt mean so many commitments and responsilibilities. It makes me sad to see so many adults that feel trapped. i also wish that my mom was stronger so i didnt have to worry about her. im gona do my hair i think. i hope i can take my mind off shit tonight and have fun even if it feels wrong. what a freaky week. im still greatful for the rain and my cuddly kittens. im greatful to have beautiful loving people in my life who value me in one way or another. im greatful to have my parents and my grandparents in my life. im greatful the weather is getting warmer. im greatful for all the food and water I could dream of and a warm house. im greatful to not feel trapped at this present moment. im greatful that i can do anything i want and its not just some far away dream yet. it feels good to have a lot of time ahead of me. i wish in the future when i feel trapped i can talk to myself right now to make me feel better. im greatful to have writing as a tool to do that in a way. love u guys very much.
day 29
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ᴘʀᴏꜰᴇꜱꜱɪᴏɴᴀʟ ꜱɪʟʟʏɢɪʀʟ
Really beautiful and real entry today my love. Sometimes I get scared of how I might be when I’m older and seeing much older people have serious internal struggles feels scary and discouraging. I know that while I’m alive on this earth struggles of all kinds will come and go. Happiness and contentment and fulfillment and gratitude and joy will too.
As I’m getting older though I’m starting to find the beauty in deep deep emotional pain like grief or existential anxiety. Not the beauty in an emo way like I want to be hurting or suffering, but beauty in a sense of a contemplative stillness that seems to be holding up those moments of deep sadness and pain. I can acknowledge that they’re awful and painful but that, and there is no non-cheesy way to say this, they push my life forward and bring me closer to God. As I’ve been learning to navigate big feelings in this way it’s made me less afraid of the worst things happening. It’s all a part of the poem of my life. My hope is that one day I’ll be able to have that respect for the little anxieties and turmoils too.
And feeling stuck is scary and hard but I’ve definitely gone through periods where I feel stuck and like truly nothing will change and that even though on a logical level I know everything is temporary somehow the stuck feeling feels like it’s forever or it’ll come back no matter what. I think that’s how the stuck feeling works and why it’s so hard to pass through. But every time it passes in the end anyway…. So I feel safe in knowing that, even if it’s just on a level of something I tell myself in moments like that so I don’t go crazy…
Idk what I’m saying in dis comment but just my thoughts bc i feel what ur saying bigly. And ur mama will be ok. And I love u. <3
i love u sweet heart thank u for ur words
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