I hate the internet

It's hard to explain. obviously i cant totally hate the internet, im here right now arent i?

I also owe a lot of who i am and what i want to do to the internet. The career i want to pursue wouldn't really exist without it. there's so many things i've learned and people i've connected to through the internet.

But i hate it. I hate how it has irrevocably changed life forever. I hate how local communities dont really exist anymore, i hate the disappearance of physical media, i hate this permanence of contact. The entitlement everyone has for each other's immediate attention. especially how the workplace is now inescapable.

I hate how easy it is to lose all my time to digital space. it's like popcorn. i choose it over the other things I love to do because it's just so damn easy, so effortless. And it feels fake. It's not real. this digital space is fake. the moment i close this tab or shut my laptop it ceases to exist. I know you are reading this and you are real but i can't feel you, you can't feel me. no matter how hard we try. place your hand on the screen over mine and the only warmth you'll feel is the heat of your CPU.

I feel deprived of a life of boredom and quiet. It's so fucking loud all the time. even in flesh space it feels like I can't escape the endless chatter and screaming of the internet.

sometimes i like to imagine myself in some 80's night, as a kid in the back of a car looking out across the highway to city skyline. I look at all the dark and bright windows, and think about how those are all real people too. people with complex lives and wants and wishes. someone in that skyscraper is going to go home and feed their dog and put together a puzzle while they have jeopardy on in the background. Someone in that house in the suburbs is playing board games with their family at the dinner table. that person in the car next to me has a job interview tomorrow and can't wait to get home and call their mom to talk about it.

and above all that is not millions of people arguing or laughing or distributing. it's just silence. quiet. stars.

i dont know. i mourn the loss of a concrete reality. i mourn the fact we can never, ever go back.

I love the convenience of the internet, but i don't know how much longer i can do this.

I'm gonna make a system for how long i can do screen stuff a day. maybe that will help.