love: hard to decipher

I simply, for such a long time have been privy to the idea of love, relational love, and romance. It's something that has caused me great fear, longing, and apathy. 

Fear: The fear of being unloved

The gripping fear has been something I've known too much of in my life. After being diagnosed with OCD (with psychotic features) I feared what my romantic life would look like, I wondered if I would have to hide the fact that I'm "crazy" from my significant other in the future. On top of this fear, I've had this fear of being alone, of not being able to experience what other people experience, romance. 

Longing: A dream deferred 

Longing has been all I've known for the past 5 years of being single, longing for cuddling on the couch, long talks into the night, and staring into the eyes of another soul. All of this sounds cringy I know, but it's something that my adolescent mind cooked up in the midst of loneliness. Something in which I have become disillusioned. 

Apathy: No big hope

There is no more deep need for this type of love anymore, in its place only stands apathy and acceptance. I am merely waiting or more like accepting the fact that now isn't my time, and there might not be a time, but God willing there might be.

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