Confusion

trigger warning: Suicide, depression and dark topics.

This is going to be a bit controversial.

Since I don't have anyone or anywhere to voice my confusion I'll simply scream into the void of this empty blog.

OKAY okay

Let me walk you through my thought process as comprehensible as possible.

I'm going to be talking about suicide, love, religion, life's purpose, having to put up and trying to fit in a society you despise, social life (friends and etc), existence within the virtual space and real space.

Firstly, I want to address the most self-contradictory and so hilariously hypocritical topic:

 Religion.

Now I am not knowledgable of literally every religion. But I know the ground basics: There are morals, a Heaven, a hell, and some god.

There is this one video that I've watched which covers the topic very very well. Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_5yUXjXizQ

While I want to keep it short, I do want to talk about something that has been bothering me for some time, and something that has been made a good point out by theramintrees in the video.

(The example below has been taken from that video, the example from me is not original)

Let's say for example: A is from a religion, let's call that religion umm "GOOGOO" (just an example please do not take offence from this) Alright, A has a friend named B, they are good friends. Right? So in GOOGOO let's say that people who eat peanut butter are evil and deserve to serve eternal damnation. B, eats peanut butter. But A and B are friends right, so that means that A believes that one of their own very good friends deserve eternal torture after death. Isn't that so funny? I literally cried laughing when thinking about it.

But here's the part where you can think about "But can't they see each other past their beliefs?" Well, beliefs are your way of life, so literally, in that example, A sees that B deserves a lifetime in hell while being close with them. If your belief ain't your way of life, that doesn't even make sense. Either you don't give a shit or you're a fake friend. I prefer not giving a shit. So that probably makes you an atheist....?

Next let's talk about:

Love.

According to Slavoj Zizek, love is evil.

"There is nothing, basically. I mean it quite literally. But then, how do things emerge? Here I feel a kind of spontaneous affinity with quantum physics, where, you know, the idea there is that the universe is a void, but a kind of positively charged void, and then particular things appear when the balance of the void is disturbed. And I like this idea spontaneously very much, the fact that it's not just nothing, that things are out there; it means something went terribly wrong. That, what we call creation is a kind of a cosmic imbalance, a cosmic catastrophe, that things exist by mistake. And I'm even ready to go to the end, to claim that the only way to counteract it is to assume the mistake and go to the end, and we have a name for this: it's called "love". Isn't love precisely this kind of cosmic imbalance? I was always disgusted with this notion of "I love the world" and universal love; I don't like the world. I'm basically somewhere in between "I hate the world" and "I'm indifferent to the world", but the whole of reality, it just it, it's just stupid, it is out there, I don't care about it. Love for me, is an extremely violent act. Love is not "I love you all", love means I pick out something, and it's again this structure of imbalance, even if this something is just a small detail, like a fragile individual person, I say "I love you more than anything else". In this quite formal sense, love is evil."

I apologise for the extremely long quote, but please stay with me, I know how social media has destroyed everyones' attention spans.

I have always questioned if unconditional love even exists. I have even questioned and went against the existence of unconditional love, since the idea of it is simply impossible to occur.

I remember once I held a conversation with someone; I argued that there was no such thing as "unconditional love" please, believe me, I'm serious. Do you believe in such a thing? Alright, state an example, then see why "X" holding unconditional love for "Y".

Even when my point was so clear no one ever saw it, and just said "Oh, it seems you've never tasted unconditional love". WHEN NO ONE HAS?

Why do you think a mother loves her child?

Why do you think someone loves their significant other?

Why do you think someone loves something?

Oh please, go on ahead, go on, I'm waiting.

There is always a reason, there will always be one. And you know what a reason is? A reason is a condition. Which means they LOVE someone for a CONDITION. WHICH MEANS THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

When I see people argue with me on this topic. I am absolutely flabbergasted at how ignorant they are. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THE POINT IS SO CLEAR!! WHAT IS NOT CLICKING?! Seriously, are they THAT dumb?

The same mechanism we love something or someone is used in HATE as well. See how close they are to each other? We HATE something for some reason just as much as we ADORE something for some reason. I don't know how much more I can dumb it down for those people. JUST USE YOUR BRAIN.

Therefore, when in a relationship, you must love someone for something that is not superficial. For example; looks, wealth (depends honestly) and stupid crap like that. It must come from something that the person naturally has like say their personality. I know it sounds cheesy, but believe me. Just think about it. It lasts, you see, an old couple that look super duper wrinkly is 100 trillion times better than a fake ass relationship between two self centred people who will discard each other once one starts growing grey hair, OR it could be even worse, when one adores another for their personality, but the same type of feelings are not reciprocated. Which in turn, results in them leaving them when the other gets slightly less attractive, and then the person who loved them for their heart gets shattered. Tragic.

So...

Life's Purpose?

What drives one to live? What is your main goal? Why do you strive to live?

Personally, I am indifferent to the world. I do wish to do things like for example; make a comic series (2 actually) and get them published and eventually turned into shows. And maybe probably start like a indie animation series. There I can use it as a vessel to express my thoughts properly out to the world. Although I am not one to control thoughts. I feel as though expression is necessary. Now in the midst of writing this... that I feel like there's no purpose in life....see? What am I even living for? Once you see the dull realisation to what is called existence, it is pure dread. That dreading feeling, lingering, persisting, it never really leaves. It lives, it continues. It is stronger than your will to live. It stays, once you see it, it stays, and you just have to struggle to continue with it.

Existential crises sure are scary.

Now let's examine your goals and wills to live. Can they immediately be ticked off your bucket list? Boohoo, alright, as long as you have on that will be continuously fulfilled. Then you're living life properly! Haha, well as you can see that's not the case for me. Oh...shit.

I do not strive to continue. Because, there really is no point.

Which let's us move to the next topic:

Suicide.

Alright, I don't want to get into too much detail, but I was in a deep state of depression for like months during like June to September or so. I really had no will to live (I still don't now that I've assessed this mess) But it was to the point where I considered hmmm, self-deletion. I did not wish to live long. Just long enough to enjoy some things I suppose. But it didn't matter much, I couldn't give two shits if someone threatened my life and held me at gun point. I literally stood hanging dangling half my body off an unstable balcony railing from 8 floors above the concrete floor without being able to care. Cause really, I didn't have much to live for, and did not desire to. But it is my desire. It is my wish. 

So since it was my wish. What is inherently wrong with someone wanting to off themselves? Alright we have some common answers; "You have so much to live for!" "What about your loved ones?" "It gets better!"

Let's assess the first common answer: "You have so much to live for!" What is this supposed to imply? Depending on the person you're answering this could lead to a worse outcome. And this means that the person has a lot to grab, which sounds a bit selfish if you ask me. But it isn't as bad as an answer as the others I will talk about. Perhaps, this is good, perhaps, there is much to live for. But since it's very vague. It can mean all types of things, like indulging in more mundane, repetitive and brain-rotting activities. As long as you stray to the right direction. But there doesn't seem to be a right direction for me. Hm. 

Whatever, onto the next one; "What about your loved ones?" This one in my opinion is the worst thing you can say to someone. Not only is it incredibly selfish and loss of ones identity, but the fact that the major reason for someone to exist is for the sake of other's happiness? It's extremely messed up. 

The "It gets better!" is extremely annoying. Not only is the fact that the person does not understand the circumstances of someone. In the case of someone being aware that in the future, that their cons are heavier than pros, and that it DOES NOT, in fact get better, it is extremely offensive. Not only are you tone deaf but ignorant. And ignorance is the root of all evil.

I suppose if someone has the potential but consciously loses it all and makes an irreversible mistake, that it is deeply sad. I get your grieving. And some people may be confused. But ones that are extremely sure shall not be obligated to comply with your ideals. 

Now the worst part of all of this is when someone you barely know- a TOTAL stranger, pops out of nowhere to tell you "Hey man, I disappeared because I tried KMS" is when this situation gets out of your hands faster than you can say "what".

And yes, it has happened to me.

And it has taken a very long time for me to think about an answer for it.

But at that time I simply just replied "Oh man, I hope you're better now" (I was twelve)

I suppose that answer was enough to suffice.

Having to put up and trying to fit in a society you despise.

I have put up with it before. And trust me, it was an atrocious experience. Let me introduce to you; SCHOOL. 

So, when I changed schools for the start of a certain grade, I landed in a bottom of the barrel, sticky grimy place of a school. But I couldn't complain to redacted reasons that are very much personal and private. No option to change or leave or drop out, nothing as a means of escape.

The entire school was filled with basically what'd you call in my language "Thaw thars" and "Thaw Thus" which just means forest people. Basically uneducated neanderthals the size of peas for brains. And believe me, that place was PACKED with these vile creatures. Endless tiktok scrolling, cringey ass couples (very obnoxious ones that know very little about personal space), absolutely insidious behaviour and of course very very very fake attitudes.

Due to being related to someone important working there, everyone I met were basically mannequins. (Except for my only friend there, quite important lad)

Oh my god I could go all about this place from the material it was built from to the toilets to the people but that would be about as long as the fourth entry of the Harry Potter series. Just take my word that it was a sinister place.

But at the same time, I wanted to be accepted, I wanted to be included, I wanted to be someone that fit in. Obviously, I don't feel like that anymore. I've surrounded myself with a hard social shell, no one knows how I'm really like. I just have a funny persona on the outside. But it isn't fake or anything. It's just you know, like I don't give a shit about them. 

Now that I feel less like a sheep in the middle of bumfuck nowhere that I want commit multiple crimes against humanity at. I want to come across as a more blunt person. Like, just be super direct and super forward about everything. I hate you?

Then, "hey man, don't get close to me, fuck off"

I like you?

"Hey man, you're cool, I like you"

You know just chill shit like that. It'd be better to get my social life navigation around. Aaaa, why didn't I think about it before? Brilliant idea...

Anyway, basically being there was exactly like being Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, I think 99% percent of the population already know about him. I know, it's supposed to be a satire on the modern man. And the fact that modern men related to him is extremely ironic and funny as hell. But the aspect in the movie about wanting to fit in a society you absolutely hate... is just too relatable. Speaking of men being stupid as hell and being ironic embodiments of this masterpiece of a movie. IT GOT RUINED FOR ME. ALL THE PEOPLE I HATED liked that movie. Oh my god, how embarrassing. Fuck off, you don't even get the movie, you're so stupid. 

Anyway:

Social Life (friends and etc)

I think my social life is pretty down the drain. I left people who I used to consider close friends... and I rarely talk to anyone besides my best friend nowadays. I'm even avoiding him now. I'm sure it's safe to say; I have no friends lol.

I mean, I guess I don't really care that much? Better off not having friends than having to have around someone who thinks of you as dog shit while you consider them as majestic people. 

So as you might think "it all started from this or that one incident..." well...no. Let me tell you why, I'd been ignoring the signs for way too long. From the blatant ignorance and disregard. I don't even know why I stuck around. 

The incident that really struck a cord in me a few months later was when it was my birthday. Alright, I don't have that many friends come to my birthdays a lot. So when I asked them about hanging out he came up with excuses and blah blah blah (I already expected it) then the day right before that he went to another person's party. Let me get this straight; this person's part was a day RIGHT before mines. And still he had the audacity to go there and come up with excuses on why he couldn't come to mine. Like... it's so crystal clear. How the fuck did I still put up with their pathetic excuses? I'm genuinely perplexed....How was I so dumb? 

Anyway I forgave them because I had an IQ of a nugget and shit. Y'know, it really shows how much I matter to people. I'm as important as a piece of gum stuck to their shoe probably. Hwahwahwah (laughing). Why am I such a loser hwahwahwah.

And it didn't just stop there. You know how fucking pathetic guys can be? Like they treat you like shit as a human being but as soon as they find out that you have boobs they just switch up their attitude so fast? Happened to me too many times to count. Every time a change in attitude happens. I hold back the urge to break their jaws so hard my finger nails dig into my palms until they make a harsh dent.

Anyway social life bad. :thumbs_up:

Existence within the virtual space and real space.

Okay, now I may sound terminally online. But the philosophy of Serial Experiments Lain is just so interesting, it's got me questioning everything I know about identity and the self.

So the thing is, once you enter the virtual space (assuming you already exist in the real space) there are two versions of yourself. Alright just hear me out. Once one dies in the real space, their body is gone. But their virtual space is still there. Unless there is no memory of data of the self's existence on the virtual world. And where this gets a bit more explored is when the show delves into how you exist within the memories of people, so if no one knew you existed, then you don't exist. Just try wrapping your head around that.

Now the identity between the virtual and the physical:

Are you both? Are you neither? Are you just one?

I think both are just vessels for you consciousness to exist. Well, I mean the virtual is honestly just kind of an extension of the physical self. (Without the physical self I would't be able to exist virtually). But your virtual you is still you, it's your consciousness. If it's not you, then what is? 

The virtual you can still store you once you've departed the physical realm. Let's think, if you were to transfer your conscious mind to the computer, then you'd still exist. Which means, both of them are you. You are just stuck in this mortal body. (Not like computers are immortal, however) The virtual you can still exist. Right? It has you inside, well, your physical self. Most importantly, it has everything you've ever said, recorded, video, text, photos. THAT is virtual. A sheet of paper where you wrote something like I dunno "Butthole" on is STILL virtual, it STILL contains you. Even if it's physical, it's a record. 

Isn't that crazy?

It's just text and pictures, yet it's still me.

It's me, but transferred to a different mean of communication and existence...

The virtual world is amazing.