🍓 (still not asleep)

every time i go online and see people being all cute and postey (using their platforms in a way they see fit, their individuality draws people in.) 

i want to clone them or eat them (i feel pressure to be just as aesthetic, clean and consistent but this in turn backfires and i snap back to wanting to to the exact opposite boomaranging me between wanting to be one way and wanting to have nothing to do with it.) 

i'm a goofy goober (the moment i try to solidify a brand, a motif, a preference or even an idea i feel incompetent in the way i portray it. as though i have to be a master in the craft to be taken at least a bit seriously by those around me that i crave attention and acceptance from so deeply.)

i end up emulating and copying or projecting or mirroring when i just want to be my own person more than anything else, which i am, but i struggle with expressing it in a way where i feel satisfied. i'm a multifaceted individual, constantly spinning and never satisfied with what i face. i am a d20 playing dice which explains why i want to eat them so much.

(piss)

life could be so much simpler if i were perhaps a cuttlefish or a vampire squid. though i think living my life as a gibbon of sorts or a chimpanzee would also be interesting, aesthetically though i'd prefer to be a golden snub nosed monkey.