life so far :)

not quite sure who to tell this to or even where to put it so i'll just chuck it into the endless void that is the internet? honestly i dunno hahhaha... caution: kinda heavy topics?

sleeping has become harder and harder for me these few weeks and i'm not quite sure why, maybe its because the end of the school year is approaching and with it comes the end of my high school years altogether haha. i feel like it's been a wild ride and i've barely even been able to do anything to make a mark for myself in any of these years besides closing off and avoiding people which i lost five years to among the far more years worth of memories that just got blitzed by disassociation.

i'm not particularly sad or emotional over leaving high school behind honestly. year 12 has definitely been the best aside from 11 when i first transferred to my new school and everything seemed incredible. anything from 6 to 10 got worse by the grade and i'll never not hate my past school and myself for that though thinking back i'm not sure theres anything i could have done about it without trampling on my own personality/character/morals to fit in better.

i feel like i've grown a lot, especially in social settings. a lot of things still don't make sense to me and a lot of people still tend to avoid me because they think i'm odd but that's improving at the very least, and honestly if someone decides i'm not worth their time of day they aren't worth mine either. at least that's what i tell myself bahahahhaha

i think i've also grown a lot mentally, i won't elaborate much on that i guess. just an overall shift from self pity to understanding and releasing, as well as not getting too wrapped up in other people's issues. i still struggle with gauging my empathy and attachment so that has to be a priority for me for the sake of everyone in situations, no brainer!

yet despite this i'm still the same kid who lies for hours in bed or on the floor scrolling and tapping to try to curb my paranoias, kind of like if i stopped the world would begin to melt around me and things would start appearing. it's not good, it's a dependance bordering on addiction atp and personally i find it rather lame lmaoo. but i suppose it's better than other alternatives since i have been getting too attached to what alcohol i can get access to, though i am still doing my best to keep my head?

i want to try so many new things, i want to be so many things, i just don't really know yet. that's normal i guess, really common actually, it's just harder to deal with when you encounter it? i suppose i do get a bit jealous looking at the people around me having so much of their future already at least loosely mapped towards. conditional offers to kings college, travels overseas, planned gap years, etc etc. it makes me realise how much i let myself go for years just to get by since its so much easier to just expect to not make it than to try and push through. but i made it and now its far harder to pick it up again, bummer, i'll make it somehow though.

i'm lucky to have people supporting me, even not in the way i need or want. and even if nobody supports me at least i think i have myself though i don't think it'll ever come to that again, i won't allow it. i'm not free of all bad habits and flaws now, obviously. i still swamp myself in work that's important to me, my future and other people because the sheer thought of doing it makes me forget how. i still hide in bathrooms when the world gets overwhelming, i still have to dampen my swings from loving to loathing someone for no apparent reason, i still have days to weeks where i can do nothing nor see any color in the world. i still stare at my box cutter reminiscing and somewhat longing but i haven't cracked and i never will, and i think that's the most important part?

i'll cope. that's all there is to it. if i can't then i will and if i can then i am? that's the ideal at least and even if i'm not perfect, as long as i am functioning in some way then its a success. for now.

still can't sleep tho, happy 1:30 am LMAO

maybe i'll be back to read this in a few years and realise how much i've grown again :)

i'm proud of you, though i don't know you half as well as i'd like to. but i'm sure whoever you are then or now you're worth every second or even millisecond that you're living, as mundane or unproductive or counter-intuitive or whatever it may be. as much as you might be shit at literally everything or too good but never good enough. as much as people might hate or love you, including yourself. there has to be something in there worth while and that's enough

enough sap, look at this cute cow