Does anyone else feel like they were meant to be nocturnal? (TW vague mention of depersonalization and suicidal ideation)

Everything is so much nicer at night. I always feel way more energized and I almost exclusively get productive things done at night. It's also when I feel the most real and present. Like the silent peace gives me this sense of grounding. In the warmer seasons, I like to go out to this nearby playground any time past midnight and sit on the swings. Once it gets particularly late there are practically no cars driving by, just me and the fresh air. The dead silence is very calming. It's like I'm the only person left. It feels post-apocalyptic but in a good way. Like everyone else is long gone, time has stopped because society no longer exists, nature is resetting, the world is healing. It's very therapeutic, feels like I'm healing too. Sometimes I wish I could do this at will. Like if I could press a button that would stop time and make everyone disappear until I press it again and return everything to normal, that would be awesome. I want to walk around the structure of the city completely abandoned. Being in solitude like that is the only thing that makes me feel fully in my body recently. I often don't feel like I'm meant to be real. It's not like I'm unaware or in psychosis or anything because I fully know I am real and that this dissociative feeling is a result of not learning to cope properly as a child, I deal with episodes of dissociation a lot. I think I feel this way because ultimately I don't want to be real. Not in the sense that I want to die, just that things would be a lot easier if I was never born. If I was never alive I wouldn't deal with any of the problems that make me suicidal and I wouldn't deal with feeling guilty about how being suicidal affects my loved ones or feeling afraid of the pain of actually committing. If I was never alive I would never have been abused and traumatized. If I was never alive I wouldn't need to worry about the fact that I'm a part of several minority groups so I'm incredibly disadvantaged. Nonexistence is far more appealing than suicide and I think a lot of suicidal people agree, it's just that suicide is hypothetically the closest option to nonexistence (depending on your beliefs regarding the afterlife). That went a little off topic lol. When I'm completely isolated at night it's kind of like a break from everything. For a little bit I get to simulate what it's like to just be. Life is so complicated that it's rare to have moments that are just moments and aren't suffocated by thoughts, feelings, expectations, and actions. It's not that I just want to stop worrying about things, I want to stop. I want the only action to be my breathing and my seeing. Taking in the stars and the moon. I love the night sky. I often think about how much I would prefer being a star to a person. 

I should also note that I've dealt with insomnia and chronic fatigue for longer than I can remember lmao so that might be part of why night feels better to me.