Report Blog Entry
Y'all already know that I'm a writer, so I'll be writing a lot.
I know people won't really read this and that's okay.
I'm a little depressed, so I'm going to vent.
I use to never really have friends growing up, and when I did, they were always the type of people who put me on the back burner, and used me whenever they needed something, or had nothing better to do. I never got invited to anything, and when I did, more than likely I would never get invited again.
Now that I'm well into adulthood, that same thing is happening. I get invited to something like once or twice a year, and no one ever shows up to anything I invite them to. I was pregnant a few years back and no one gave me anything to prepare, no baby shower was thrown, nothing. I went into the pregnancy alone and scared, and then my child died 7 months after she was born prematurely.
I'm so used to being alone, that now I've developed social anxiety whenever I do have to interactive with people outside of work.
Working in a library helps me be able to avoid having long conversations. I give you information, I present it, and I go about my day. I'm no longer the Gemini "social butterfly" I was as a child due to being bullied, and then ignored altogether.
I never understood what made me so different from everyone else, what makes people get tired of me so quickly. Am I exhausting?
I got into a relationship with a partner who has a lot of friends. Tonight, we are having a small cookout on the back porch and I'm stuck in my office doing "homework" because I wanted to avoid having to be in a group of people who only tolerate me for him. I tried to invite some people I knew, but once again, was turned down by every person.
So. I'm sitting here in my office, drinking sauvignon blanc with lime, and writing this to avoid people.
What's wrong with me?
Comments
Displaying 1 of 1 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
Katelyn
There is nothing wrong with you honey! Let me start off by saying that first I am so sorry for your loss. My best friend lost her 3 month old(my god child) and that day she also lost a piece of her soul and that’s the hardest thing to ever recover from! Second, I know exactly what you are going through because it has been my life long struggle to get off the back burner! I’m 30 years old now and still doubt that the two friends I do have actually are my friends. Because in my entire life so far everyone has used and abused me and my “friendship/kindness”. So trust has gone out the window. Anxiety has replaced it! Don’t feel alone! I support you and hope that you can get passed this part of your life!