Just got some beautiful new stationary!! Trying something new :))

Hi Hi, check out this gorgeous notebook I got!

I recently have been going back into games that comforted me in elementary and middle school and I realized that I'd never actually 100% Doki Doki Literature Club Plus. So I started grinding to get all the achievements and I got to relive all the beautiful memories and see all the new content for the first time. That game means so much to me and a lot of the new scenes reminded me of old goals that I gave up on. I have Alexithymia which means that I struggle processing feelings in a number of ways. I struggle recognizing that I'm feeling anything. when I do recognize I struggle to know what I'm feeling, even to the point I sometimes can't tell if it's good or bad. When I finally manage to process my feelings I severely struggle with understanding them enough to put to words, which makes therapy and self expression really hard. Because of that, I've always deeply enjoyed the art of self expression, it's such a special look inside the complexities of a person and it's not an easy thing to share. In 5th to 6th grade when I first got really fixated on DDLC I really wanted to be able to write like Sayori (girl in my pfp). Her writing is simple and real, it's mindful of every emotion she has and values every emotion. She doesn't necessarily feel like a negative feeling is a "bad" feeling because negative emotions are just as much part of the human experience as positive feelings are and she appreciates everything she feels. I wanted to be like her so badly, but I have a bad habit of getting upset at myself when I'm not instantly good at things because I had so much pressure to be good growing up. I obviously was not instantly good at creative writing because I could barely process my feelings so I gave up very quickly. But when I beat the remastered version last week I got one of her new poems that I hadn't seen before. She never fails to inspire me. I wanted to share it.

"Become the Flower"

A feeling of joy is a flower plucked from the ground.
The color, the scent. It's so pretty in my hair.
Every day, I pluck some flowers, as though they grew just for me.
A lifetime of peace and nourishment, yanked away in an instant.
All for me. All for joy.

I need more.

I need more joy. I need more happy.

Pluck, pluck, pluck. Every day.
Pluck, pluck, pluck. So pretty in my hair.
Pluck, pluck, pluck. You're going to die, and you, too.

Beneath my feet, a flower stands alone. It beckons to me.
I twist the stem, freeing it from its clinging roots,
Caressing the final joyous moment between my fingers.
But to what ends?
I look in every direction.
And the field I stand in,
The prosperous field,
Is a barren wasteland.
The fruits of my labor. The carnage of my joy.

And that is why

I've decided

I must

Become the flower.

I told my therapist that I want to become more mindful of myself and get out of this extremist attitude that I have that makes me feel like bad feelings are so bad that I'll never feel good again. I've been dealing with this looming feeling that emotions and empathy are the reason why people have hurt me and that I'm better off being emotionless and alone because I don't want to hurt. Being hurt is part of being alive though. Avoiding being hurt is avoiding truly living. My problem is that I haven't learned how to process the experience and move on. So I want to teach myself to cherish my feelings, even when they hurt, because admittedly I had a lot of fun, even with the people that have hurt me, and I've learned and matured even though I didn't deserve to be matured so soon. I want to use the journal to help walk myself through my thoughts so I can better understand and communicate them to the people that need to know, and because I have a terrible habit of keeping everything inside which is why it builds up until it tips over and implodes. I want to get things out, even if it's hard, even if it's not pretty, I'm not gonna give up this time. I don't think I'm going to immediately jump into poems because art is so precious to me that I'm very critical of my own art. Maybe eventually I'll feel comfortable doing it. I also got these!

They're sticky notes. There's a Sayori wallpaper you can unlock in the game that shows her with this background of sticky notes she's written to herself. Some are reminders, some are praise and encouragement towards herself, some are just random thoughts or doodles. They all portray some kind of emotion through words or drawings. I'm gonna fill my walls with these every time something pops in my head to remind me that I'm feeling and that all my feelings are okay. It's all part of the healing process. It's a little bit silly to be basing my trauma healing strategies off of a psychological horror dating game, it's just a game that means a whole lot to me I guess. Also they have legit really good writing tips for beginners sprinkled into that game lol. Any effort is a good effort I think.  

(All the stationary is by Unicorn Eclipse on Etsy btw)