Living, Failing, Dying.

This is something I wrote around last month. It’s a free verse about suicide & feelings. So please take this as a warning before continuing!! Enjoy.

Living, Failing, Dying

I’ve spent my life as a failure.

Truly an emotional traitor: 

failing to be sad or happy.

Always - hopeful me - angry

crushed by my reality.

Failing at stability,

wailing around mentally.

Just barely getting by

but tough enough to lie.

I fail at being ill 

by not having the will.

I let myself burn in anguish

always the foolish.

I wonder why I’m here.

Why at my lowest was there fear?

I was ready with a plan and a race in my chest

and still I ran,

like a stranger of ignition 

from a fire of my own ambition.

Did something save me?

Or did I fail miserably?

Maybe what I thought was my saviour

was really my failure,

just proof I’ll never be anything

but someone wishing to be something. 

When I wanted to die,

the universe told me to try.

Now I’m not saying I long for it to be over 

but I do sometimes wonder;

how would they do without me?

What if their calls to spare me

was just my cowardice screaming 

and my courage failing?

What if I dammed myself and them

by failing to condemn all that I am.?

It’s bold to know you can’t survive 

and still choose to stay alive.

I hope I wasn’t misguided 

when I decided to let all that be subsided 

to breathe for a desire and a power higher

than die for the fire.