TODAYS BEEN LONG .

First off , I’d like to say that I love my boyfriend very much , and we are still together after what I’m about to explain . 

Today my boy got his motorcycle running again , and when he left for a ride to see his buddies he left his phone on the charger . I like to snoop , he knows this , and I found some s3xua1 photos between him and a girl . We’ve been together about 8 months now , but recently he’s been struggling with his mental health . 

I think my response was reasonable , I called his friend and told him to come home immediately , but when he walked in he shouted “ please beat me and leave me “ and just stood in the entryway crying . I am severely autistic and have bpd , so I was already on a psych0t!c spiral when this caught me off guard . 

He listened to me very closely and sat on the bed as stiff as a statue and immediately opened up about everything , from drüg 4büs3 to su!c!d3 pl4ns , I won’t go into to much detail for our privacy . Practically , he laid it all out for me to see and waited for me to walk out the door ( I later found out he almost c0mm!t coming home since he was scared to face me ) so he could finish his plan and I wouldn’t miss him . 

I don’t respond well to emotions , I don’t respond well period , but that gave me a chance to take a deep breath and think . We sat together and opened up and cried for probably over an hour , he even blocked the girl in front of me and told his brother he fck3d up . 

We’re on good terms now , we have a plan going forwards and I know he regrets what he did , and I trust him , but I can’t shake the feeling of him being turned on by someone else . 

I have a fair amount of s3xüa1 tr4um4 , so this mixed with ptsd ended with me sick to my stomach even after we cuddled and watched a movie . While he slept I paced and puked and I still can’t shake the feeling that he’s gonna do it again , or he’s gonna go through with his plan , or he’s gonna leave me for that girl , or something to fck up everything we’ve built these last 8 months .

I love him so much , I trust him with my life , but I just can’t shake this doubt !!!