Friendship is tragic

Someone I haven't spoken to in over a month messaged me the other day to tell me I was the only one who ever understood her. I don't know what she was talking about. I don't understand anyone, especially not her. I would message her back, but I don't want to disappoint her. She misremembers what I'm like. That's a good thing.

Later that night, a different friend asked me what I hoped for from friendships. I told her I hoped that my friends wouldn't kill themselves, that's all. Then she told me why she asked. She said she wanted to know how much she could use me without me using her back.

She thinks she is using me because she vents to me. I listen and give her so-called emotional support and condescending advice, but it's one-sided; she doesn't indulge me when I talk about my problems or about my interests. Sometimes we will talk about her for a while. Then I will start talking about myself, and she will stop texting back.

I get why she thinks this is wrong, but she misunderstands me. I'm just happy to be involved. I don't feel any need to be equal. I've always been the kind of gay that gets more out of worshipping women than being their friend. I like troubled and selfish women. I could never feel used by them. She is flattering me too much by thinking she can hurt me.

She asked me many complicated personal questions about friendship. I answered truthfully but never gave meaningful answers. Lying makes me feel ashamed, but allowing people to understand me is the biggest self-own I can think of.

I think friendship is pointless. I hope for things from job interviews. That's why I look for friends and don't go on job interviews.

She has lost most of her friends recently. I wonder if she is trying to lose me too. I won't let her.

I have friends I like a lot, but I prefer the ones I don't. I feel safer with them.