dysphoria

i dont know why i have such a hard time admitting to myself that i have body dysphoria but oh my god is it it true. i wish i could effortlessly look like a boy and not hate my body and not hate myself for the way my body isnt. i cant even comprehend the amount of stress i wouldnt feel if i just had a flat chest and no curves. i could actually let myself be happy instead of my subconcious being filled with reminding myself to be small and unseen, how dare i look like a girl in public where other people can scrutinize me and decide who i am for me. i just want to look like myself and i dont know if i ever have before. 

i think the reason its hard for me to accept that i have body dysphoria is because i wish the truth was that i only had social dysphoria. but the fact is that the people around me cant heal me and i have to wait until i *get* to rely on the terrible trans healthcare system that i probably wont have access to by the time im old enough for it. all i fucking want is so go on testosterone and im so so fucking scared.