Someday I'll get out, thanks for the ponder

For now I'll pray to the patron of ireful reflection and berserk hope for patience, one day I won't have to use another girl's evening out anymore, and will not look to a screen for perpetual naught and comfort. I will find people who are genuine, and be the understanding one to my six degrees. People who drain me won't have a permanent position in my life, and those hopeful eyes will never falter for long. Svoboda bez kolebaniy-- freedom without hesitation-- I wrote that on my laptop 2 years ago at a low point, I still intend to make that my reality, no matter how long it takes.

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Lesya, maybe I'm just an insecure loser and you're too absorbed in your self healing journey, but it's hard to get rid of that draining feeling I get whenever we depart after a hangout. Am I expecting too much from my first and only high school friend I still keep in touch with? I just want your company and ear, but it's always the other way around, it's been 4 years yet you brush off and forget my growth, even as I supported yours. Friendship is not transactional, but you can't help but feel sad when your advices are tone deaf. Maybe I've outgrown you as a friend, and vice versa, but I will always be your search engine, won't I? 

Even if you've forgotten what I've looked like and hate my changes. I'm your book with dog ears and folds. Have our needs changed? I need an ear and you need someone to talk down on, does it make you feel better when you poke at my insecurities? I haven't let go of the past yet, I'm too cowardly to wipe all the past memories away, and too emotional to find a balance and compromise, but I'll deal with it someday, and find worthwhile things without self sabotage. Voluntary amnesia will never get my teenage years, not matter how painful it was, it already has my childhood as a permanent hostage. 

You always make me reflect, which is nice I guess. I'll find a way out soon. I hope you'll never remember to send my last year's birthday letter, because '60 cents is far too expensive' in your words and you don't have anything nice to say to me anyway. I don't think I'll hug you as long as yesterday next time, let's drift apart, yeah? We'll find better. You said to my face that you don't like people bothering you when I asked about how your life was going, so I won't do that anymore. I won't bother opening up my heart to you anymore, your ignorance behind straight eyelashes shine through so brightly in your dim brown eyes. I don't like racists and baby haters anyway. See you, maybe.