She(?) by Charlie S.

She(?)

She sits and waits

and waits

and waits

to figure out what’s wrong with her

to figure out why she feels this way when she looks at her long hair, her clothing, her voice, her face, her personality

it feels wrong and heavy

a heavy feeling you can’t find the words to describe

a heavy feeling she thinks she only feels because who in their right mind would feel this way about how they look and feel

she feels guilt and fear

the guilt holding her tight and  only holding her tighter when she’s around her family

the fear whispering horrible things in her ears as she falls asleep at night to make her feel that she will never be free of this feeling

because what would her siblings say when  she tells them that she can’t stand what looks back at her in the mirror

what would her mama and papa say when she looks at them with tears in her eyes telling them that she’s is not a girl.

not a girl.

never was a girl.

never will be a girl.

she cries and cries thinking of the possibility’s of their reactions 

their actions

their words

their thoughts

all of the possibilities except for the ones where they hold her in their arms and say

“i love you my son.”

and the ones where they say 

“you never liked wearing skirts, you always made me give you jeans.”

in a reminiscent tone

never does she think of those

so i hold her in my arms as she sobs and sobs, praying to a god she’s not sure exists to make her any other way

i hold her small red and tear stained face in my hands and try to calm her cries

i show her the way she’ll look one day

i show her my short hair

i show her my stubble

i speak to her in my deep voice

i show her my testosterone vials

i show her my closet

no dresses

no skirts 

not a halter top in sight

i show her freedom

i show her the unconditional love from her family 

i show her the waiter who call her ‘sir’ at restaurants

i show her the elderly man who call her ‘young man’

i tell her that it’s only a matter of time until she gets a call that will change her life forever for the best

but she can’t hear me

she can’t see me

can’t feel me as i try to reach into the memories of her and hold her tight

she only stares at her reflection and wonders if other girls feel this way

so every now and then i eat one of her favourite foods

i watch one of her favourite shows

i play music she loves

i watch the specks of light in the sky at night and try to tell her all i’ve learned about them

i try my best to heal what is left of her in me

i whisper to myself how much i love her, and how much i wish she loved herself.