i hate my body

honestly everyone feels like this in their life. i just turned 20 and i don't "love" my life. but the other part of me is like, i have so much to be grateful for. i think personally i'm just fighting within myself and not being able to push myself to my high expectations. i gained weight like crazy since dating my boyfriend for 2 years. i probs gained like 70lbs max. i hate how i look yet i can't push myself to lose it. i'm so scared that i won't ever be able to express myself through fashion while i'm "young". i understand that no matter the weight, i can wear what i want. but honestly i grew up as a fat kid and i know how it feels when it just doesn't look right on my plus size body. i just don't know how to start. my boyfriend gained weight with me but he's doing boxing now and he's going to lose it. it's selfish of me to be upset that he'll lose it before me but i really don't want him to be skinner than me. it's worse enough that he's just 40lbs heavier than me right now! my body isn't like how it was when i lost weight during quarantine. i was 16/17. does anyone have any tips to lose weight healthy?? please help a girl out.