turning 20.

 my birthday is soon and im stressed out about it.

i’ve been changing a lot. i went from 16 to 17 and then to 18, 19 and now my 20th year is in a couple weeks. i am always changing. thank god. i like stuff now i didn’t like 3 months ago.

 i feel myself maturing. you don’t really notice until you’re in a certain situation and you find yourself reacting differently than you would’ve maybe a year ago. i go to bed early most nights and i’m an early riser now. my room stays clean. i’m doing things with my future in my mind now. when i was 16 i genuinely didn’t think i would live to see 17. i never made any future plans for myself - i didn’t plan on making it this far - so now i’m kinda in a rut. i think that’s normal? i’m not 100% sure. but i do know i’m scared. 

i’m scared of growing up. i feel like i never really got to be a teenager because i’ve been busy being so violently depressed that i kinda blocked out all those years. i don’t remember much from 2014+. traumatic years for me since then. i feel like in my head i’m still 15. 

i’ve been trying to unpack a lot of my trauma lately but i can’t afford therapy so i’m kinda just winging it. when i start to unravel one thing it’s like they all spiral down at me and then i get thrown back into a depressive/manic episode. i’m not sure what i’m gonna do about that. i probably need to figure it out sometime soon though. 

-ryleebossanova