20.4.23

tw mentions of self-harm

idk what im feeling at this point. Is it boredom, relief or sadness? im not even sure about my future. im rlly demotivated. tired. the most productive things ive done lately was relapsing (sh) n drawing. which was only a little. bc of how demotivated i am, im only able to think abt scenarios. sometimes scary, sometimes creative. rlly good inspirations for my art but i cant get myself to draw them. im trying to avoid sharp objects cus i dont wanna devastate my mom again. n im tryna draw little by little. 

yesterday was my fifth counselling session, just one more session before i will (probably) get diagnosedn move to therapy. my last two counselling sessions have been rlly stressing me out for some reason. cant pinpoint but maybe bc im rlly tired that i get irritated. n ive also become quite quite anxious to even attend these sessions. idk abt that either.

idk if this is rlly my lowest. i keep crying at night. i just dont know what im feeling. ive had thoughts about running away n dissapearing. cutting contacts with everyone. after all, they dont seem concerned abt me at all. theyll cry n wonder where I've gone.