[Vent] Outline

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I'm in a mood about my physical appearance again today. I just like, was putting on clothes after taking a shower and just felt like I looked stupid. It's not like any time this happens I look any different.

I occasionally identify myself with or relate myself to Patrick Stump. I'm a larger guy width-wise, and not in a way I can do much about (the other day I was mentioning to a friend how my ribcage is literally just BIG. There's not actually much between my ribcage and my skin. I let them poke, and their response was literally "holy shit, yeah you're just WIDE"). I'm a smaller guy height-wise. I've got brown hair I often would describe as just a little too goofy; it's very curly and frizzy. Jewish heritage.

I think I've got one or two good attributes, but more are just... neutral. Combined together I feel like I always end up looking ridiculous in some way. Especially when fashion is forced into the mix. If I try to go more grunge or punk... I look silly. Like I'm a kid wearing the clothes of a cooler older brother. If I try to go alternative, silly, it's just overboard. I look like a dad. A grandpa. I've been called both before. I try taking ideas from friends and people I see that I think look great and maybe sometimes something can click effectively, make me feel like maybe I can figure myself out, but then a day later I'll feel miserable, that I've made a mistake.

It's strange because the reason I started the comparison to Patrick Stump is because he's still loved. Despite not fitting the "emo" aesthetic, he's welcomed in, some people even thirst over him. And it's not like I think Patrick Stump is a fool or looks silly, but it's an unfair review I levy at myself.

It feels like it's hard to relate to anybody on how I feel. My friends don't really understand how it feels to feel limited by your body, one of them tried to say that they knew how I felt because they felt bad they were "too skinny" in high school. It's not really the same... they all can still just put anything on, be seen as sexy, as unique, as emo, as attractive. As attractive. I can look "fine." Maybe "cute" on good days. I can "not look weird." I can look like "Elton John," I can look like my dad, I can look like... well, maybe someone will love me for my personality. You know? That's the feeling I get. I can never look cool, punk, hot. Whenever I try it's just amusing. I get a weak smile and a "good on you for trying!" You're so brave! God.

Sometimes I think I'm over it. Then I have days like these.

EDIT: I feel like once I cool down or talk about this stuff with someone I should come back and add an addendum kind of debunking some of my own arguments or attempting to convince myself against them. While I still feel like I struggle with feeling attractive, I can dress any way I want, and how other people tease me doesn’t define me… I add value to other people’s lives and I can’t read minds as to others first impressions of me. I gotta give myself more credit…