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this is gonna sound super weird. at this point to me sleep deprivation is almost like a personal drug. the loopiness, the dissociation, the warmth, and the weaving funniness of everything and the submersion therein. I feel like an addict to all those feelings and it's so easy for me to achieve and maintain a state of no sleep. paired with enough coffee to make me full-on hypomanic I feel like I've found something that will keep me going for a short while until it ruins my life. common pattern
I googled it earlier and it turns out you can actually get addicted to sleep deprivation. it's more common for people with things like eating disorders and addiction and other mental health issues, and guess who just so happens to fall very heavily within all three of those groups!!!
yes sleep is comfortable, yes it heals me physically to an extent, yes the nonexistence is great, yes I love when I have beneficial and sometimes lucid dreams, but the euphoria and unawareness of no sleep highly outweigh the very nonzero possibility of massive cptsd induced nightmares and time loss and general incapacity when I do sleep to me anyway. this is one of the worst possibly most terrifying rabbitholes I will likely ever have gotten myself into in the long run and it's been like this for forever. this is all a terrible idea
not sure why I'm blogging about this like it isn't severely depressing to read but I wanted to air my feelings somewhere lol
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SAV!☆
this was honestly really interesting to read. i didn’t know sleep deprivation could be an addiction, though that’s a dumb thought since it makes sense that anything could be addicting. though i’m sure it’s not healthy (same as any other addiction), you described it really interestingly. and though it might sound a little dumb to say after reading your experience, you should definitely sleep enough to take care of yourself :) on another note, the way you wrote this was captivating in its own broody/melancholic way. just wanted to say i love your writing here. with that said, thx for sharing!
hey thanks so much for the comment, and thank you for the well wishes and the compliment specifically. I always try to be half forgiving to my body when I go on a stint like this, for what it's worth. I'll be alright in the end I'm sure
by mick ✼; ; Report