04.18.23 little life update

💌 hello angels!! long time no see~ 

i doubt anyone is reading this, but on the off chance you are-- hello i love you please take care of yourself you mean so much to so many people. with that aside let's go into my first blog post after a long time 

i feel like the tone of that last message really encapsulates the sort of ambience of this post-- a little serious but still loving and optimistic. as for me, things haven't been super great recently. i was hospitalized not too long ago for an attempt, something i regret terribly... but i spent nearly 30 days fully out of school and perhaps 10 more in school for only part of the day. needless to say, i'm beyond far behind on most of my classwork. i'm so overwhelemed and stressed... what do i do? where do i start? how will i finish all that's being asked of me, it's far too much? how do i ever come back from something like this? thoughts like these are racing through my head near-constantly (along with self-deprecating ones, but that's neither here nor there and decidedly not something i'll be getting into today). i'm so overwhelmed and stressed all the time and i'm honestly really scared that i'll relapse and go back to my old self-destructive behaviors-- and i don't want that to happen, i've grown so much and i can't stand to see all the progress i've made washed away like that. i just feel so lost, i'm burnout and i don't know what to do. i'm trying to extend love and gratitude to myself, but it's hard when i barely have time to think let alone sit with my thoughts. school is difficult, being a teenage girl isn't for the weak of hearts alas... 

if anyone is reading this, do you have advice? i could really use some help right about now, i don't know how to navigate this strange new world i'm so out of depth in. 

but here's some good news, which i find i always need to remind myself of since i have a tendency to fizate solely on the negative: i'm on new meds now and they're helping a lot and i just got my dosage increased today, so hopefully that will help some more with the anxiety i've been having + summer break gets closer every single day (which means all of my lovely summer plans some closer and closer to being realities, and i cannot contain my excitement at that thought!)

one thing is for certain, though, i have to have faith in myself. i've made it this far, gone through everything i have and grown more in the span of a few months than most people do in a lifetime. i am strong and resiliant and i will survive this, i just need to believe in myself. and i hope you all can believe in yourselves, too; you're worth it

hopeful for a better future, 

your favorite angel-girl siren <3

 p.s. this is how i hope to be this summer ^^