diary 10.5

04.18.23

ugh now i'm even more fucking pissed bc my stupid fucking piece of shit mouse has these stupid fucking buttons on the side that are super sensitive and always fucking reload the page when i fucking move it and it just refreshed this one and deleted my entry fuck. whatever. my scratches look infected, not badly, but its starting to get scaley and the skin around it is pink and blotchy. i finally found the disinfectant so i doused it in that and now its airing out. i think the long sleeves trap the moisture and the sick against the skin so ugh. my other cuts arent infected but thats probably cuz they have less surface area. ugh im so fucking uncomfortable. all day in school i have to sit in those fucking chairs that just hurt my back and give me such bad posture. but even when im home i cant sit comfortably, not in any chair, not even in bed, i can never position the pillows right to take off the pressure. right now im lying on my stomach but typing like this is putting so much tension in my neck and shoulders. it sucks.  i cant even sleep at night bc i can never find a position comfortable. i always have to do like 50 positions and nothing fucking works, not even on my back with the pillow lengthwise, it always deflates where i need the support and lifts up parts that are uncomfortable. and then if i sleep on my side it puts pressure on my hip, so i have to do like a sideways twist with my legs on my thighs but my back on its side like what. i can never get comfortable for the life of me. i could not sleep at all last night, fuck, and i know i spent a lot of yesterday just relaxing in bed after school but i also ate 329kcal so i didnt have any extra energy to keep me up so what the fuck. i was so fucking tired i couldnt keep my eyes open but i couldnt fucking sleep for hourse because i was just so fucking uncomfortable, and i couldnt stop thinking about uncomfortable things. ugh. i just want some fucking release. and i dont even have any issues with my back so what the fuck. my leg also really hurts recently, and i know its because of the fucking weather somersaulting between storms. its fucking snowing. im so fucking angry. theres just no fucking need for it to do this and its fucking me up so badly. my leg hurts so bad. and i even remembered to take my neproxin this morning, but its still so sore and swollen. i just fucking hate living here. all the trees and flowers bloomed early this year bc it was legitimately 80 degrees 2 days ago, and warm the few days before it, so their dead now lmao. and today wasnt even projected to snow so those days it is? yeah its gonna come down. i fucking hate this. i cant live here anymore. maybe its affecting my back too. these things arent supposed to be such a big deal. but for me they hurt me so badly. i just dont think i was meant to live, like this seriously fucking sucks. it sucks so much. and i cant wait to live somewhere warmer only to realize i'll still get these flair ups. man fuck. i just want one fucking time when i can just not be in pain. because yeah. month 6 of this flair up. its not fucking going away. i just want the weather to be nice. please. consistent nice weather for a month so that my leg can adjust and not be in pain that would be nice. its just so fucking frustrating. can it just be fucking nice? does it do this to fuck with me? yeah fuck you. you want a life? you want to have a period where you can consistently have the time and energy to deal with school? you want to not have the constant distractions from your back and knee? you want to not have to miss school? you want a fucking life? you want to be able to leave your house? walk? drive? do literlaly fucking anything? FUCK YOU. yeah fuck me.

at least i have more clarity when it comes to jhojanna. she was sitting in on our sem class for no fucking reason, and like, the one of us presenting had a ven diagram on a slide and, we were all doing criticisms like thats just what were supposed to do so she wasnt randomly blurting out shit, and at first she actually did have valid criticisms but i think because everyone agreed with her previous ones she just got really confident in a bad way and started talking shit, she was like "I HATE this ven diagram so much!" and then was just super nit-picky about it with criticisms that just, didnt make since, or werent important or didnt actually affect the clarity of the presentation. and pat was getting insecure about his slides bc he also uses a venn diagram, and so he showed them to jhojanna and she was just like "what even IS this?" and questioned everything about his slides even the parts that were genuinely really good, and was just super condescending and insensitive for no reason. especially since her criticisms were unfounded? there was nothing wrong with his fucking ven diagram! but she was going so hard on his slides and not just in a personal manner either no she was fucking projecting everything to the entire class for no reason! and pat looked really upset about it! like hello! this isnt funny shut the fuck up! and the teacher made a comment about jhojanna acting like a mini her, and that like, emboldened jhojanna to be even more of an ass? ugh! but whatever, i feel bad for pat, but at least i feel a more certain about jhojanna. bc i just had a feeling it was my fault when she did stuff like that to me (shaming me publicly, putting me down bc she wanted to impress someone else) and i used to not think it was a big deal, or i was just overreacting, but seeing her insult someone else's hard work like what she did to pat was cathartic, like, yep, that is a big deal, and i should feel upset. so yeah. it also just told me she has not fucking changed. she is still as obtuse and up her ass and so desperate to look smart that she needs to insult someone else's intelligent work as she was since i met her. yeah, fuck jhojanna lmao.