names

yesterday i had someone who knew me before i came out as trans and was one of the first people to know call to me with my new name, and when i didnt respond (i didnt hear them) decided to call my old name. when i heard that, i thought, that surely isnt directed towards me, and then quickly felt that disappointingly, it was. they didnt show any remorse, as if i wouldnt be affected by it, until i confronted them today. now they are very apologetic, and told me that im a good friend and they want to keep me around. i dont think ive ever thought the same about them. 

also today, the first day of tech week for this year’s musical. i met a teacher who will be manning sound with me during the production. i got to introduce myself with my real name without it being dragged down by a conversation about being trans or knowledge of my old identity. he used my name freely, unquestioningly, unhaltingly, unlike so many people, even the most supportive people i know. it was so refreshing and exactly what i needed. ive been so dysphoric and anxious lately, and he lifted my spirits, if just a bit. 

after this, i really thought about it and i think that many of y friends say my name so quietly to me because they know im not out everywhere yet, and they want to keep me safe. they decided to hold my fear with me. i do appreciate concern about this from the people i love, but sometimes what i need is for someone to show me that fear is unnecessary, that its weighty and sometimes, what i need most is to let it go. i cant make people let go of the fear they take from me. once they hold it, i dont think they are willing to let it go, and eventually it might hurt me more than it helps.