How I Got Here

So In October of 2022, I left my decade long career in the veterinary industry.

I had worked as a technician in high school but post-graduation; I had kind of fallen into it as a full time career. After not finding my goal career (of being an animal cruelty investigator) with my two bachelor degrees. 

To pay my bills, I just worked as a tech. I knew it wasn't my end goal; but my life seemed to become more an more stagnant. The prospects of leaving seemed less and less likely. There are a lot of problems in the veterinary field; inexperienced management, high pressure environments, and staffing issues, to name a few. The longer I worked in the field the more I saw consistent issues from hospital to hospital and from position to position. I worked in general practice, I worked in treatment, I worked in emergency, I worked in specialty (cardiology, ophthalmology, anesthesia, dentistry, dermatology, and internal medicine). No matter what I was being overworked, underpaid, and I was clearly not appreciated by the people who signed my checks and approved my time off. I understand how this industry (both for doctors and technicians) is prone to high rates of suicide. 

I was putting myself through long hours, putting strain on my mental and physical health; and all for a career I never wanted? What was I doing? Over the years I had even regularly had a second job to help with my bills (rent, utilities, student loans, car loans, feeding myself). How did I end up wasting away my 20s? I had been working 7 days a week for nearly 5 years at this point, even through a pandemic, It never stopped for me. And I had little to nothing to show for it.

Yes my student loans were paid off, but that was because of covid, a savings account, and some unemployment payouts from a second job. I was no closer to moving out of my dinky 400 square foot apartment of 6 years. I was no closer to that house I wanted. No closer to the dumb things I always wanted to treat myself to (like a real human skull, and some high quality alternative clothes). And I had like virtually no dating history, I was always too busy. I'm single and only getting older, that shit was scary. 

During my last year in the hospital I was able to take advantage of my health insurance and start seeing a therapist for my myriad of mental health issues I had acquired. (That compassion fatigue do be real.) And my current second job was working at a friends new piercing studio at the front counter. From here I had a few new experiences, I was able to take a piercing class in San Francisco (Fakir Intensives) and attend my first APP (Association of Professional Piercers) Conference in Vegas. These were all out of my pocket; but they allowed me to meet new people, and see a potential different life for myself.

I had been suicidal in the past, I've made attempts, and I was able to recognize in myself that those feelings were starting to arise again. If I didn't make a major change to my lifestyle and my environment soon; I was afraid that I would decide to end it. And this time I had very little I would have been able to convince myself was worth staying for. 

In February, I thought that I needed a vacation. At the very least needed a fucking break. My therapist had even recommended that I take a break from nursing, maybe the hospital would let me work as a receptionist for a few months or something? So I asked, that was a hell no... well really it was "we will get back to you," and after a month of hearing nothing I came to the conclusion that it was a no. So I talked to management again, saying I had a few friends in Europe and I think I would like to visit them, I need a vacation. Management seemed open to me taking a few week vacation if I gave them enough notice. So I started planning and I booked a flight for October. 

Once I had everything figured out and my non-refundable ticket was in hand; I put in for the time off. Two weeks later my manager let me know that: since I had taken three weeks off the year before she was unable to grant me this time off. Now I may have taken off; but I was taking classes for my other job, oh and I got fucking Covid. Those were by no means a vacations and I NEEDED this. They knew I needed this, they knew how I was feeling, and what my therapist recommended, and I had fucking gotten verbal approval just a few weeks before. But apparently I only had enough pto (paid time off) for one week, and they by no means would allow me to take a week of unpaid time off as I had requested. They approved the one week off and expected I cut my trip short. Well this was it, the straw that broke the camels back.

They had fucked with me for too long. I had been utilized all over the hospital, my hours had been changed multiple times, I had been given more and more responsivities, and I had only gotten a$2 raise in 2 years working through a pandemic. I was livid! Conveniently that day I had been emailed my 2 year review, a little questionnaire about how my work was going, what I thought I needed to work on, etc... The year before management had swapped over and I never even gotten the review. The questionnaire was answered for nothing. But here was a change to get my feelings out. So I started typing away.

The questions were asking just the right things to let me go off. I'm talking paragraphs upon paragraphs of me airing my grievances. Letting them know how I had felt, used, abused, and replaceable. At the end where it asked for additional comments I did it, I wrote that my last day would be the last date of the pto I had already gotten approved. This would give them 6 weeks notice, honestly that's very generous of me. 

I waited. I went about my days. I just kept working and I heard nothing. After 2 weeks I did sort of feel bad, they would need to advertise to replace me at this point. So I sent a formal letter of resignation to the HR department (now with 4 weeks notice). In this letter I did write that I know I had already given a date in my review questionnaire, but this would be a formal letter for their records. And wow... it's like they hadn't looked at my (already 4 months overdue) review questions yet or something. 

But honestly I was over joyed. I was so ready to be done. I was scared but I needed this. The best way for me to make a difference for myself was to leave. And I left. Of course those last few weeks were a bit of a nightmare. Management treated me like shit, my exit interviewer was clearly never given my questionnaire, and they ended up hiring 3 people to replace me. But it was done, I was out of that industry, and I had no intention of ever going back. I had to do what was good for me. 

So I had my little quarter-life crisis. I quit my job, flew to Europe, wandered around without an itinerary or a care in the world, made memories, and flew home to a full time job at my once part-time job. And for once only one job. 

I'm not saying life has been easy sailing from here. Financial anxiety is now my biggest anxiety, and boy is it not a fun one to have. And I still have that myriad of things I want to work on myself. Those insecurities in how my life was going, still there! That fomo (feeling of missing out) also still there. I don't know who I am. I don't even know what to do in my free time? 

So I have been working on myself. I've gotten feedback recently that I clearly have more confidence and I'm willing to stand for myself more. Every day presents a new challenge and a new burden. And with the help of my therapist (that I'm now paying fully out of pocket) and my own determination; I'm making progress. That's all anyone can expect of me. I'm just fucking trying... 

This January I made 3 new years resolutions (I know, big goals)! 1) I need to work on my posture (my fucking back is going to break by the time I'm 32... I really need to fix this) 2) Do things that make me uncomfortable in order to better myself and try new things 3) be more selfish, do more things just for me.

So here I am 4 months into the year. I've gone on dates, I have bought myself some clothes, I'm moving forward in my apprentenship, I'm making conscious effort everyday to build my self-esteem, and I'm at least trying not to hunch over all the time!

I used to blog in the tumblr days. I would just write what I was feeling and what was going on; and it was a little release for me. So I've decided I would do that again; and I decided since this sight gives me so much MySpace nostalgia; that this is the right place to do it. I don't know how often I'll make a post and I don't know what it's always going to look like. But here is too the first one! Thanks for joining me.