diary 10

04/17/23

cut myself a bit -- oh so edgy lmao. also had 2 big gulps of whiskey and then sat on the toilet for a while and like looked at my phone for a while, lol. i feel really floaty so im just lying in bed doing some internet stuffffss. im listening to boyfirend by big time rush. honestly, i fucking love big time rush. theyre music is actually phenomenal and its so emmaculate. they are so fucking good its amazing. also im trying to buy this print of a art piece and the artist is super nice and letting me send it through letter mail instead of the other one which is the difference between $5 and $15 CAD and i love canadians so much. bc i live close to the border so we have timmys n i grew up wathcing canadian tv but i also get EPIC discounts on literally everything bc of the USD CAD conversion rate oml . CANADIANS I LOVE YOU. anyway, its a really cool piece about spring. And i love spring but i also fucking hate it. bc its a transition period between winter and summer like hashtag relatable but it sucks bc it was legitiamelye 80 degrees yesterday but today not fucking kidding its 49, and by wednesday its projected to reach 38 degrees.. omfg... i hate living here so fucking miuch. can it just be warm and stay warm? this fluctuation is hurting me so much. literally. my joints react really poorly to it. espeically bc the pressure fucks around too, today its terrible and drizzly and my knee hurts. but i have physical therapy at like, 5, and its gonna be painful as fuck. i'm so fucking sick of it.

i've realized recently i'm just not fucking meant to live here. like at all. i''m just not fuckign strong enough. i am so weak, physically and mentally. i'm just not suited to life. i cant live, i'm barely hanging on everyday and just now am i realizing how long and great a problem this has been. i was in the bathroom at school today idk like fifth period and i was like fuck i wanna cut i was just so fucking angry and frustrated. i had looked at my grades the period before and i was so fucking angry. my seminar grade was a 69 for quarter 3. oh fuckign god. im so scared this is gonna call into question the scholarships i got to collleges, im so fucking scared. bc if i cant go to the college i want, even the secondary ones or the ones further down the list, if i have to go to the fucking local colllege here where i live i will not make it through the next for years. not just the weather, not just the fact that it doesnt have the classes i want, but i would ALSO have to live near my fucking father and i hate him so much. i would not be able to live through it. it would crush my dreams. this grade calls into question everything. i just fucking hate my life. and i understand that its not just one thigns, that its a culmination of my entire life, so i shouldnt feel terrible about my actions, because that grade is not a result of just my actions, its my actions in conjunction with all the facets of my life, my leg which caused me to nmiss schoool, my father who added stress and took time from me bc of the days i have to go to his house, my poor physical health, my inability to adjust, all those things impacted my grades, so i cant blame myself like i used to anytime i didnt like my grade last year or the years before, i understand now that a lot of it is out of my hands but that leads me to this conclusion that i've been putting off for so long, because i know its true. i know its true when i'm hit with sickness so many times a year that makes me leave schoool for so long, when im hit with hard flareups, when my father is just unbearable and i feel so terrible, everytime that happens i always react no its fine, its fine, just get through it and you can go to a great college and go to japan and work as a lawyer and become super fuckign rich, but that will never fucking happen. its just my massive fucking ego. i will never settle for less. but i will never achieve it. physically i would never fucking last at a job where id have to be on my feet, waitress, cashier, but thats just what im gonna fucking be. i wont even be able to go to college and whos gonna hire me then? and i look at these other kids in my seminar class and theyre just so much more hardy and resilent, theyre so much stronger, they can complete these so many asssignemnets but they can fucking do it, they can take my teacchers critisicm and not give a fuck. but i take it so hard. im so weak compared to everyone else, and ive been spreading myself even thinner by taking these harder classes bc i want to believe, i force myself to believe from my ego that i can take these classes, that its just the situation and that im acutally hardy if i just tried and that if thigns play out nice i will be able to do a lot, but thats not fucking true, because things will never play nice. things will happen, you either get over it or you dont. and i never have. sink or swim i've sunk at every fucking thing. i m just not fucking meant to live. and its been going on for a long time. i was in the bathroom earilier at school and i wanted to cut myself really badly but i didnt have anything like what, cut yourself on the fucking, toilet paper dispenser? lmao. so i just started scraping my nail against the delicate skin on the inside wrist and while i was doing i had this memory of doing the same thing when i was little, like 5 or 7 of sitting in the backseat and doing that same up and down motion with my thumb nail against my skin and doing it for a really long time, past bleeding, with my portable yahtzee electronic game thing in my lap, i remember that so vividly. and i remember my brother told me to stop but i didnt. and i realized when i was doing that same thing in the bathroom that this has been going on for so long. when i was younger, well actually, even past then up to now, but i remember it starting when i was little, i had this feeling whenever i got happy that i would die soon, that when i felt true happiness i would die, that was what i thought, like i would randomly get hit by a car. and i felt like that since literally 4 or 5, like i have a good memory of my chidlhoood, and i've been gettnig it better. i've been doing dives into my memories for a while now and i remember so many things so clearly. everything. for a long time i had amnesia about my trauma but i dont now i can go into those memories and feel them, theyre so close to the surface. and that was bad about today because when i was walking in the school for some reason the smell and the cold temperature triggered a feeling and a memory and i couldnt get out. so i just blasted my headphones during all of physics but it was so weird. parts just popped into my brain but other parts felt like i was purposely making myself remember things so i felt guilty and stupid, it sucked. idk. but idk, i just dont think im strong enough to live anymore. i dont know what to do. because i want to go travel so badly. i've been studying japanese on my own for 5 years now, i want to go to japan really badly, but i know in reality if i went, all the actual japanese people would treat me weird or try to speak english at me bc they would know im foreign, but i dont care. idk. i jsut want to speak it in an actual context. bc ive been listening for so long. i want to speak and have people understand me. the college i want to go to has a year long exchange program with a japanese college.

i think i had a lot more alcohol than usual. i feel really floaty. i'm in bed right now reclining but whenever i move even a little i get a weird feeling, like the feeling i get before going under for surgery. ah fuck. it makes me remember things. i cant do fucking anything without getting into my head. i just want out of my head. and that feeling i had as a kid i was so right, because everytime i have a happy moment i immediately have a crash right after where i feel fucking miserable. when elspeth "confessed" to be (lied about being interested and wanting to date me) then immediately ghosted me 2 days later and refused to even look at me in school and i felt so fucking horrible and i bought a fucking christmas gift for her anyway because i wanted her to change her mind and go back to liking me so fucking bad, ive dreamed about and wanted someone who wanted to date me for so fucking long, its been my biggest goal for highscool, to find someone who lieks me and have my first kiss. and when she told me that, even though it was over text, i was fucking so happy, so elated. it was seriously a dream come true. but then, yeah, that immediate crash after for several months where i just felt fucking wrekt, and i never even fucking liked her in the first place, like, i didnt dislike her and i thought she was cute, but i never actually would have wanted to date her yk? so i know it was just my ego that was hurt but idk i still fucking hurt for so long for no fucking reason. but i wanted that so badly. and it just felt like yeah, no, noone will ever fucking like you, why would she ? why would i expect that? and i know its true bc i have a terrible personality and i dress like a slob but i wanted to believe i was desirable more than anything, even over reason (shes never spoken to you before, interesting shes suddenly confessing romantic interest, yeah that i chose to ignore completely). Or just recently, over the weekend i went out with a friend for the first time in so long. and its true that me and alex arent close, like we just met this year pretty much and talk during lunch and physics, but going out driving with him was so fucking fun. like it was so highschool. i felt like such a fucking hischooler, going for a long drive listening to music, getting boba, walking  in the rain with warm spring rain, that felt so high school, that felt so amaznig and fun and chill, on saturday, and the next day wasnt bad, i deluded myself there wouldnt be repercussions, but there are repercussions, and it was the first time i felt happy and not alone in so long and now i feel so close to killing myself i fucking hate my life. i will never be happy. and if i am i will have the worst crash afterwords. what am i even fucking doing. i have so much fucking school work to do its not even funny and i've wasted over an hour and 20min just typing this and wallowing in self pity it fucking sucks. but i cant think or move or see clearly lilke this bc of what i did and the fucking alchohol, and now i also cant where anything but long sleeves for the next while (not really much of a inconvenience since its gonna be cold this week anyway but still) it limits me, makes me be careful, gives me another thing to worry about. bc i go through periods where i just dont care, but then immediately after i care a fuck ton. i cant afford to not care about my grades just bc i wanna drink and make stupid spacehey blog posts, but i just fucking cant do anything else. what am i supposed to do? my eating habits have been fucked up recently, ive been eating way more than usual and not keeping track of my calories, which yeah, i know during vacations, and 2 weeks ago was spring break and we went to florida, like i knew my eating habits would be fucked so i was prepared to not be hard on myself, but i actually had a good routine, i would have a yogurt for breakfast, go on a 40min walk or so, have lots of water and an apple, cool down, then do other activities, than have a dinner at 3 then have nothing till the next day, and it felt fine. i expected to gain weight so i wasnt hard on myself but i still had a routine. Now? the week immediatetly after was terrrible, i had a bad sleep schedule so i was always fucking tired and gave into urges easily, i didnt have a plan or anything and just ate whatever each day, fucking sucked. i weighed myself friday before school and i was 195. i was 192 before break. and thats a whole week after break, so not even water weight. I'm supposed to be 189-188 right now. today i've had a protein bar, an apple and a yogurt. fuck. its just because i'm so fucked. i have no schedule and i feel like shit so i cant control myself and keep myself on schedule. i cant even get my homework done. i just want to fucking die. im so sick of this. because it will never get better. life will only get more intense with more responsibilities and challenges, and i fail to pick up the slack everytime i get a responsibility increase. couldnt have a job bc it fucked my schedule, my knee hurt so bad, and it cut my free hours, i had no time for anything. ah. i just cant handle life. i cant adjust. in my head im still at my fathers house, im still at the hospital, i cant do anything. i cant manage myself i just spread myself thin and think, well it will end eventually, it will come to pass, but not this, life doesnt come to pass. these hardships dont come to pass. other things will always replace them. and i cant handle it. i cant do it. FUCK i have therapy in 30min and i still feel super fucking floaty and weird. im so tired. i cant do it. idk .i fcant