I miss my mom

I live with my mom. The last time I saw her was a year ago. I live with my dad and sister too. I only leave my room after they go to bed and return before they wake up. I started shutting myself in my room after an incident where my mom brushed against me in the kitchen. A month earlier, my mom touched my arm deliberately, and I started screaming. These two events made me realize being in the same room as someone else wasn't worth the risk. Back then, I was only anxious about what could happen, but now I'm scared. It's a much deeper anxiety.

I'm scared of my family because they are no longer used to my ugliness. It didn't matter how I looked when they saw me every day, but after forgetting my appearance, they might be shocked. Maybe when they think of me, they imagine me as how I was as a child and also as a monster. I'm not really their son anymore. I don't want to leave my room because I will remind them I don't exist anymore. It's better if I allow them to be nostalgic and afraid. Otherwise, they might kick me out.

My parents have probably become scared of me too. One time they called a social worker because I refused to leave my room during the day for three weeks. Instead of a social worker, the police came. When the police came into my room, everyone saw the state I lived in. When they took me to the mental hospital, I made a scene where I screamed at my sister.

My family doesn't understand the strange things I've done in the past, so they think I'm more unstable than I really am. I've never been randomly violent, but I have, on some occasions, seen fear in people's faces when looking at me, and it made me feel comforted to be feared and misunderstood.

I haven't missed my mom in all this time. I don't miss my dad or my sister. I think I miss her out of guilt. It's a good thing if that's the case. The loneliness would only get worse if I saw her because the guilt would go away.