A poem

Her Prayer 

(This is about religious trauma) 

Dear Lord as I talk to you today I beg you reconsider what you had planned for me. I get that you’re the most righteous being and with that comes responsibilities but I fear a lapse of judgement has come into play. 

I’m told that you’re omnipotent, everywhere and nowhere all at once, so you must be able to see. See the girl they claim you created, they say you know the amount of hairs in my head and hear each breath I take. 

So tell me, can you hear my breath hitch when I walk into a room with more than 3 people? Can you see the hair falling to the floor as I rip it out of my scalp begging to feel something. Can you feel the lighter burning my skin in any hopes I’ll burn slowly to cherish the heat because every day feels cold, my brain empty lacking of thoughts and heart crawling, dragging itself along a paved floor struggling through the day.

 It claws at the ground looking over the sea of options but the most appealing seems to be drowning and never having to think again.

 Can you see it? If so is this what you intended? 

They say you give your toughest battles to your strongest soldiers but I’m neither a soldier nor tough I stand for nothing I fight for nothing I am nothing so why have you burdened me with this earth only to torture the time I spend on it, please.

 Give it time is all they say, another pill another hospital another four white walls a white angel coming to take me away on a bed of white roses singing hymns in a white glow and I rise a faithful child to you again for what? 

That white becomes the red of the blood on my arms from where the crimson stains; from where I created a flow; from where the self inflicted wounds are open for the world to peer into and see my soul on display, only for them to see just as you are, nothing. 

But despite this I will pray for justice for those more unfortunate, justice for those who don’t have a roof over their heads or food in their mouths as I feign gratefulness for this corpse I’m living in I am truly grateful. So grant my family the hope to sleep through the night and wake up another day as I dangle my feet close to the edge. 

In the name of your holy son, amen