intersex gender rambles

being more comfortable and concrete within my intersex identity has left some interesting gender feelings swishing around in my brain. not necessarily a bad thing, but sort of something that's a bit harrowing. for the longest time i thought that i was making up a lot of my experiences with being bullied for being too masculine to be a girl. but as i thought more and more about my experiences- and how they lived alongside my intersex identity it started to make sense.

a lot of my childhood was just feeling like i was failing at being a woman- but i wasn't good enough to be a man, either. and no matter what i did- it wasn't right. years and years of people trying to push me to be more girly, and people constantly asking - pestering me- not believing me that i was born a girl. years and years of trauma with that- it's really not a wonder that i started to think "maybe i'd be a better boy". having doctors disregard me as a woman- and roll their eyes when my mother would correct them on my pronouns. to having my gender identity described as a "condition".

she/her pronouns became uncomfortable- almost like a prison- and sometimes he/him did feel the same. and no matter where i went- it felt like i wasn't really qualified to be either a man or a woman- and somehow- nonbinary felt constricting. honestly it still does. i feel like something else- but not necessarily in a remarkable way. full of gender yet devoid of it.

bad at being a woman, worse at being a man. nevertheless still kicking.