book review: my lesbian experience with loneliness (nagata kabi)

disclaimer: 

- contains minor spoiler!!

*** TW: mentions about depression, eating disorder, self-harm ***

a panel excerpt from the book

my lesbian experience with loneliness is by far one of my favorite comfort books. basically, the title already pretty much tells us about what the book is all about. it displays the author's personal life: her people-pleasing attitude towards her parents, desire to have a place to belong, sexuality and struggles like mental illness, being unable to form relationships with people, and self-harm. pretty much an autobiography, but in comic.

nagata kabi is a university dropout and was soon diagnosed with depression and an eating disorder after she got a job. since she dropped out of uni, she would then start looking out for part-time jobs. when i read this part, i thought that what she really wanted is to find an environment that would accepts her, as she also mentioned in her book "...i thought it would be nice if we could be like a family." unfortunately jobs and schools are two different things, so really the harsh truth is, you need to make yourself useful when you work, otherwise you're out. this too hits home for me..

nagata lives with her parents, and her parents are never satisfied with her effort. after being released from the hospital, nagata tries hard to recover and having a 'normal life'. she starts to eat three meals a day, waking up every morning, and go to work 5 times a week. however, her parents don't seem to appreciate her very much, or perhaps didn't know that it was hard for her to do before as those routine are clearly normal and nothing to brag about. to me, nagata's parents have a traditional way of thinking. i think it's also one of the consequences of generational trauma. her parents aren't abusive, but definitely never appreciate their daughter's effort because it doesn't fulfill their expectations. and i totally understand nagata's pressure of wanting her parents approval just so you can get love, acceptance, and appreciation from them.

what i like about this book is that she's not just venting in her book, but the fact that the "plot" of the "story" is about her self-discovery. through her journey in wanting to please her parents, nagata met a guy who is a job recruiter, and soon encouraged her to pursue her dream to become a mangaka (comic artist). this is one of the most crucial turning point in nagata's life, because ever since then, even though her parents still wouldn't shut up about telling her to get a real job, nagata persists on becoming a mangaka. my personal favourite line was "... i want to draw some manga and make my debut before i die," then she won a submission contest and finally able to make her first debut. basically after all of that, she started to learn about her own inner battle, which involves in figuring out her sexuality and ability to love herself for her own sake. she has been living her life to please her parents and finally realized she never allows herself to be proud of her achievements, or even allows herself to eat. since then, she has been making some changes within herself.

although i can't relate to her sexuality journey, but i can definitely relate to her people-pleasing attitude in hoping that i could find a sense of belonging and acceptance. i can also relate on her struggles to have a "normal life." this book feels like a hug for me, it involves in attempting to accept even the most shameful part of yourself. i'm personally still in the progress of finding myself, and i hope i will never stop.

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