chrysalis poem series

CHRYSALIS

Churning sea of goop,

The broth that is left of my body. 

Primordial soup

That I will emerge from again

The way I decomposed long ago. 

Vulnerable, 

Even inside the walls I constructed. 

Walls that protect me,

Walls that may be my doom. 

I lay in wait,

Waiting for the door to open,

The threshold that I cannot cross,

Yet. 

Learning patience, something difficult

In this state of mine. 

I long to join my fellow bugs, 

They who I know are waiting patiently for me, 

To meet me on the other side. 

Yet, I will find joy in the memories

I have yet to create, 

And, joy in the knowing;

Knowing I will never be who I was again.

Hibernating, 

Slowly stirring, 

Inching closer to my reassembly, 

When I become a butterfly. 

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CHRYSALIS, PART II

The cocoon began to suffocate me. 

I have finished my rebecoming, 

The holy creation finally completed. 

Though I fear, 

Fear to emerge,

Fear that I waited too long here. 

My self-constructed home has grown too small for me,

Or, maybe, the other way around. 

The shields I erected have turned into a cell

My armor has begun to stab me. 

I know if I do not leave now I will never be able to

So I emerge. 

It is a pain never felt before, 

It is a relief unlike any other. 

Feel the breeze graze my wings, 

Notice the weight that was pressing on me 

only once it is gone. 

Still, I wait for a boot to step on me 

And when none come, 

I am forced to persist. 

It is a fight to continue,

But when I do, 

I am welcomed by the kaleidoscope.

They wash the stiffness from my joints

and I am motivated to press on. 

Each step aches

Every bump stabs me

Yet I would rather be nowhere else,

Be no one else. 

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explanation: I wrote these two poems at two pivotal points in my social transition. The first one was written when I knew i would soon come to the point where I could no longer wait to come out to the people around me. I went with the theme of butterflies because I felt that it was such a perfect analogy for how I felt, as if i was literally decomposing and preparing to rearrange myself exactly how I wanted to be seen when I came out. The second piece came after I had begun my social transition, formed friends with people who knew me only as me and not my past self, and found support and community like I had never experienced before. I wrote it to try to communicate the strange balance of joy and pain that it is to be trans in society. The butterfly motif still fit perfectly, because as they have just left their chrysalis is when they are truly most vulnerable, it is a very crucial part of their survival. Just as it is for trans folks. 

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(how the FUCK!!! havent i posted this yet!! these are like The Poem for me, these are the ones i always show people, the ones im getting published for!!)