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my mortal enemy: the words "i'm sorry"


"i'm sorry".


Two words I am sure that you have seen, spoken, or been told. Two words that I absolutely despise. They can be used for so many different situations and have become more commonplace in the world we live in today. The many different contexts it can be used for are useless. 

I used to use those two words for almost any conversation I had because it felt easier to just say two words and express some sympathy without having to actually feel empathy for the other person. Almost as if I wanted social interaction to be easy.

However, social interaction is not easy. Especially when people have expectations from you and how to act. Despite how close you may be with someone, connection is not easy and simple and does NOT just come to you. When someone you are close to is in pain, hurt, and in need of reassurance, you are supposed to take some of your energy to care for them despite what social media may tell you.

My own rant about how social media is destroying our real life social interactions is for another blog, another day.


Here's my reasoning as to why I hate those words in almost every single context that they are spoken in, and they are as follows:

1. apologizing for mistakes

2. sympathy

3. excuses

4. social conformity


Apologizing For Mistakes

Starting off with apologizing for mistakes. This is the most common use of those words, and is the only acceptable context to use them in honestly. You use the words "i'm sorry" when you did something to hurt another person, made a mistake at work, fucked up in a video game, or just for explaining to another person that you regret the actions you chose that created that hurt. 

But even in certain situations, just the words "i am sorry" have no weight when you irreversibly hurt another person. They are used only for mistakes that are reversible, mistakes that you can fix within yourself so that they never occur again. They are NOT used for inexcusable actions that are not limited to:

- Inflicting physical harm on another person

- Any kind of abuse, period. Whether verbal, physical, mental or emotional.

- Ruining another persons life/mental health for any kind of personal gain (relationships, work, enjoyment)

- Irreparably damaging another's self-esteem (racism, bullying, harassment, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia) (the only exception to this rule is for misgendering as that can be apologized for as long as it is not repeated again after the first instance and/or apology)


Sympathy

This specific context is the worst of them all. Saying "i'm sorry" to someone to be sympathetic is more harmful than one may realize. If you are apologizing for something that you personally didn't do, then you should not be using those words at all. Come up with something more meaningful for someone. 


Here are some instances to never use i'm sorry in when trying to express empathy or sympathy for another person:

- When someone in their life has died/passed on

- When a pet has died/passed on

- When someone loses their job or source of income

- When someone gets a bad grade/fails a class

- When someone is discriminated against for whatever reason (racism, homophobia, misogyny etc.)

- If someone opens up to you about a bad experience or traumatic experience

- For anything that holds weight and is life changing for the person you are talking to.



This is because when someone goes through anything bad whether traumatic or just bad and/or life changing, they do not want to hear the words i'm sorry. Especially when it is someone close to them. It feels artificial, and impersonal.

 If you are trying to come off that way then by all means use those words, but they should never be used with someone you genuinely love and care for. 


People want to hear reassuring words like:

- I'm here for you.

- What you are going through sucks, is there a way i can help?

- Thats horrible, are you dealing with it okay?

- I don't exactly know how to respond, but i'm listening and want to be there for you.


In the case that you say i'm sorry by accident, but include the expressions from above:

- I'm so sorry you are going through that, are you doing okay?

- I'm sorry, can i help in any way?


These are okay to use when speaking to someone you are kind of close to but are still willing to reach out and be proactive in their life. But by saying just the words "I'm so sorry" or "sorry that happened" you are effectively disregarding the person and why they reached out to you in the first place. Chances are the person came to you to look for sympathy and maybe some advice, or someone to just listen to what they have to say. Saying something generic like that will only close off communication to the other person, and they may never want to open up to you again. That, or they feel as if they were disregarded and got a generic response that maybe they got from others after reaching out. 

That kind of response is not looked for in people with close relationships.

Being close with someone implies that you know them deeper than others may know them. Therefore they trust you more with their feelings, their thoughts, conflicts, and events that may happen in their day-to-day life and expect more personalized conversations from you.

Just because something is easy to say does not mean that it is the right thing to say. Make the effort to really respond to the person you are talking to, let them know you were really listening to them and what they have to say.

From personal experience, I had a situation where a family member of mine passed away and all anyone could say to me was "i'm sorry". It made me so frustrated that I was here pouring my heart out and needed reassurance or literally anything to make me feel better and all i got were the same two words from so many people. Grief specifically is extremely hard to deal with, for the person going through it or their support circle. 

Being there for a friend or family member is not easy, and takes sacrifice. But in recent times it is seen as something that is harmful to the self. Though that can be true, giving support to another person is something that is crucial to someone in crisis. This effort though, sets a precedent for the other person in the relationship to do the same for you when you are in your own time of need, and can/will deepen the relationship that you already have. And with how things are today, connection is extremely important for everyone.

Along with this, it is very important that when giving support to someone in a crisis that you are taking care of yourself. This will allow yourself to relax, and be able to continue giving support to that other person. Be sure to set your own boundaries, though. It is possible that the person you talk to may rely on you and you only and that is not healthy for them at all. You have no obligation to give support to someone just because you are the "only person" they have. 

Always put yourself first. If you see you are more drained or being affected by the other person, that is a sign you need to set a boundary.


If you have trouble setting boundaries and would like suggestions on how to verbalize them:

- I am here for you, but right now I cannot handle someone venting to me. Do you mind if we can talk about this another time?

- I don't mean to cut you off, but I had a very long day today. Do you mind if we do something to get our minds off things and I can let you know when I'm ready to listen?

- At the moment I can't handle someone venting to me, is there anyone else you can talk to for today that can help? If not, I'm open to talking about this another time when I am feeling up to it.


Change these around however you like, but these are direct and get the point across to the other person without feeling like you are shutting them down. 


Mainly because just shutting them down and saying things like:

- Can we not talk about this right now?

- I don't want to talk about this again.

- This is killing my vibe tonight, can't you just talk to someone else?


Saying anything along those lines, will harm your relationship with them. If that's your goal, cool. But if it is not, then you should reconsider your approach to setting boundaries.


Excuses

This is specifically one of the reasons that the words "i'm sorry" suck. They can be used for manipulation to give the facade that you feel sorry about what you did. Using those words gives the impression to another person and they may not be able to tell if what you have been saying is genuine at all. Your character may come into question, more-so if it is said during an interaction with a person that does not know you as well.

This also calls into a persons character. If you apologize for an action you did that created hurt with other people and claim to disavow those actions, and within a day, week, month, or year,  you commit the same action you had apologized for then you are not being genuine. It is really a show for character, especially in romantic relationships or close friendships.

What a person expects when someone commits an action that is hurtful, is a heartfelt apology explaining why they know what they did was wrong or at least reaching out to ask what they did wrong can completely change how you think about another person. But even in that situation, "I'm sorry" is NOT heartfelt and absolutely not reassuring. Again, it comes off as artificial and almost as an excuse to not own up to what you did, and apologizing just to make you not upset/mad with them anymore.


Social conformity

This exclusively refers to apologizing for the little things, which I think is the only acceptable time to say the words "I'm sorry". This is because usually the things you use the words for are for shallow actions that (1), meant nothing, (2) was just a minor inconvenience or (3) may have broken "societal norms".

For example, maybe you bumped into someone on the street, maybe not noticing the light turned green or you took a right turn right as a car was coming.

These apologies though are for very minor, shallow things. Not complex situations like death, emotions, and/or crises.




In Conclusion


These are all just my opinions on the words "I'm sorry" and in no way am I implying that this is the same opinion as other people. I know that everyone thinks of things differently, and if you agree with me great! If you don't, I respect your opinion and I realize that everyone has their own thoughts on the matter. Feel free to tell me your opinion in the comments as I am open to discussion or changing bits and pieces of this blog post. 

I am aware that the use of those words specifically has come from a movement of normalizing mental illnesses and the fact they exist. There has been a lot of emphasis on mental health in recent years, specifically about checking in on your friends and expressing sympathy for their problems. But I do think that with the normalization of venting and people expressing their apologies for what someone else has to go through, it does feel almost as if it is a huge pity party. As if the person apologizing feels bad for whatever horrible event the other person may be going through, hoping that something like that will never happen to them. But unfortunately everyone goes through experiences like that. No amount of pity will change that. Things like this are not easy, and trying to make them "easy" in any capacity can be harmful not just to the person giving the support, but to the person receiving it as well.

All in all, these are my thoughts on the uses of "I'm sorry" and why I hate them. I think they are quite useless when so many words in the English language are more sincere and also mean the same thing! :) I hope everyone reading this has a great day and has hopefully taken something out of this, as I enjoyed writing it!! I really want to make more of these so if you are interested give me a follow !:)


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