i think im PDA

so PDA stands for pathalogical demand avoidance and its a profile of autism and i think i have it. it manifests in weird ways but it actually makes so much sense to me. every time i learn something knew about the way it affects people, it unlocks a new memory from my childhood that got conditioned out of me. but when i remember, it makes me want to act that way again and i really dont want to. it would make me impossible to love, i think. 

for some reason, the biggest way it manifests for me right now is when people are expecting a response out of me. like when someone tries to be playful and mess with my phone or something, it makes me so angry the way they look at me, waiting to see how i react. or when someone texts me but doesnt tell me what theyre thinking or want to talk about, just texts me and expects me to respond based on nothing. it makes me feel like such an asshole the way it genuinely makes me angry at them, and that makes me even more angry at myself. i wish i wasnt like this. 

and theres the obvious avoiding doing school assignments. why should i do an essay? just because the teacher told me to? i hate it. one of the most backwards things about PDA is hating being given praise. i guess i dont hate it, but my brain immediately ignores it, because who are you to decide what is good and what isnt? i should be the one to judge myself. but that one is much less intense, i usually only feel it when it comes from my dad, or maybe a peer. 

i just wish sometimes i wasnt autistic.