Blogging I dunno how this works halp ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Uhhh m, hello everyone :3 I don’t know what I am doings so I’m just gonna kinda write out feelings that I’m feeling right now?? XP it’s probably gonna get really sad and depressing and talk about topics like suicide, depression, self harm, implied SA, so if you don’t wanna read about that I’m warning you guys now about it oke?? :33 

So I guess I kinda just feel really depressed, I don’t ever wanna get out of bed and it’s also just really hard for me to get out of bed in general. I feel as if there’s a pressure to keep me down or like I’m just glued to it. It makes going to school difficult especially cause I’m trying to prepare myself for 10th grade cause my ex girlfriend will be in high school with me. Which really scares and stresses me out. I know I’ve been assured she’s not going to do anything but she’s scary. She taller, stronger, and bigger than me. And always has been and I don’t mean that in a rude way when I say bigger I mean that she has a naturally muscular build to her. And it’s really scary cause I really can’t be around her or I get really stressed out and almost have a panic attack or I do- I don’t know anymore cause I suppress my emotions and it’s hard to know if I’m having a panic attack unless my body gives me signs like my heart racing uncontrollably and my vision going black or feeling really really weak. And I don’t blame myself anymore for feeling that way I knwo it’s valid to feel that way knowing the things she has done to me. And it’s just poopy >:( I dread that when I start 10th grade the stress is either gonna kill me or drive me to trying to kill myself again. And I’m trying to work on having good grades while also practically never being at school. And it’s really hard cause my ex GF lives in the apartment complex next to my complex and we go on the same bus. And it’s. Just really stressful and in general I’m stressed out and everything feels like it to much especially when I’m trying to deal with other problems like intrusive thought that keep me awake at night or learning how to be okay with my emotions. Which is really hard to do when I suppress them all the time. Or that I was traumatized to not feel negative emotions, like being sad, angry, upset, etc. you can thank my Ex for that. :/ and I don’t even know how to cope with bigger issues like my stress cause it’s always eating away at me and I can’t cope with it. I know I used to have good coping mechanisms but I’ve been going to self harm to try and cope and it feels good in the moment till I feel guilty for not having a “real” reason to be harming myself even though people do it as just a cry for help for someone to notice them and ask it they are okay. I feel drained all the time and it’s so aughhh… I really don’t have words for things I just wish I could cry to someone I could be with. And hug them and shit. It’s also weird no longer being in a romantic relationship. It’s so weird- I’ve been in one with my ex for so long that I feel a need to be in a relationship with someone. But I need to wait so I can heal, I don’t think any boyfriend of mine would want to deal with me being an emotional wreck who currently cannot handle sexual touch because of my ex. Like I love the idea of cuddles and roses and being with someone and it’s all romance. But I’d also like to be able to yk give pleasure to my boyfriend or something. But I can’t, (and anyways if I dated a amab guy I wouldn’t be able to stay long cause my fear of amab men is too much. Sadly enough I’m scared if women now because of my ex :(( ) so I dunno but I think that’s all I can write right now. Augh. I’m so sorry about this lmao-