MOTHER PT 2

im sorry for not being enough even if i try to be. im sorry i cant please u enough. im sorry that im such a failure. im sorry that im never gonna be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, most of all im sorry that im never enough for u as a daughter. i know im stupid in my education and that i never once did something right. 

im sorry that i smoke, im sorry that i self harm, im sorry that im ugly, im sorry that im dumb, im sorry that im useless, im sorry that i was a mistake, im sorry for being born. most of all im sorry for being depressed all the time. 

i wish u wud notice how hard i try to please u. i wish u wud say ur proud of me and that im enough at least once just like u did to the rest. im sorry for being so angry all the time. im trying my hardest to do things right and i wish u wud see that but u never, not even once. i wish u wud tell me why u hate me that much. am i not ur daughter? am i really that much of a burden. im sorry that im the family disappointment. 

i was never enough. not for u, dad or even anyone. if i am then y the hell did dad leave? y the hell do u hate me that much? and y do everyone leave me?? im jealous everytime u treat menda more special than me. im jealous of becca everytime u wud hug her and tell her that shes enough. u care about them but y not me??

 when u found out i self harm all u did was called me an attention seeker. maybe i am? i wanted ur attention, for u to act like a mother to me atleast once. i wanted u to say that im enough and that ur proud of me. they say the lastborn is always the favorite and the spoil one but y do u hate me that much?? 

im sorry for dropping out. im sorry for always fighting in school maybe im trying to prove something? u never once sided me in any fight. instead u wud hit me and get mad at me all the time. like when the time tianne threw my earring u bought from india. all i did was to keep the earrings safe because i know u bought that and that i never got anything special from u. but u hit me with a stick and not her. i was so mad because all i wanted to do was keep what's precious to me but i know it was my fault. i know i was the one being selfish for getting mad at tn maybe if i have not just make a fuss and keep quiet maybe then u wouldnt be so mad. 

 when i was vulnerable and i told u i wanted to die and u used that againts me i was so sad because i realize u wud never care whether i die or not. i wish u wud act like u care about me atleast once. u cared about them but y not me?? everytime we fight u wud always say all mean things to me. i never act like it but deep down im actually hurt by all the things u say. like when u say i look ugly that i have flat nose. and how u wud always criticized me about my looks, how i act, and how i talk. it hurted me. i tried my hardest to be more pretty but u never once notice and instead called me monkey and that i look ugly. when i finally start smoking i thought u wud show that u at least care but u didnt. i wish u know how much i hate myself. how i look and how much i want to die ever since i was 10. 

maybe if i was prettier, smarter, happier, and funnier maybe u wud atleast care about me even a little bit. i dont blame u for how u have always treated me because i know its all my fault but i wish u wud tell me im enough atleast once even if its just a lie. i dont hold grudge but im sad everytime i remember everytime u got ur paycheck u wud only give tn lunch money and not me. im sorry for having a sugar daddy but i only did it because i know u wud never give me money. im sorry for stealing and shop lift but i only did it cuz i know u dont have enough money to buy for the house goods. i know its wrong but i was hoping to lessen ur burden but i know u dont think that way. u only think that i enjoy stealing and shoplifting. 

 i remember when i was 8 and my legs have a lot of scars and everytime i wanna go out in a dress u wud embarrassed me and say i looked ugly. how u wud tell everyone about it eventho u knew that was my biggest insecurity and when i got even a bit mad or sad about it u wud say u not to overreact. but then as i got older when u know i wanted to get a plastic surgery for my nose because u always called me a monkey for it u wud say that u were joking and say i cant take joke. i wish u know how much i hate how i look. i hate how big my forehead are. i hate how big my nose are. u wud always say i have a big eyes when i was small thats y as i got older i try to make them look smaller. i hate how i talk. my voice. i hate my height and my weight. i hate how my hair look. i hate how short and fat my fingers are. i hate how stupid i am. i hate how my body look. my head that u wud always say look square, i hate it. i hate my legs. i wish i was taller. i wish my nose wud be smaller and taller. i wish i have a small forehead and small head. i wish i look more healthier not like a dead person. i wish i dont have eyebags. most of all i wish i have a better attitude and personality. 

u always say im always angry but i wish u knew before the anger it was sadness but u never took notice so i start getting angry but still no one cared and say i have attitude problem. maybe i am the problem who knows?? i still love u as my caregiver but i cant love u as a mother because i dont even know what having a mother feel like. the only time i feel love from a mother figure is when other people's mother show me a little care but never from my own mother. i cant even remember when is the last time we ever talk like a mother and daughter without fighting. im sorry for everything and i love u for still letting me eat ur food and letting me stay in ur house eventho its all forced. i wish i can repay u. im sorry for having to give birth to someone like me who cant even do one thing right. i wish u wouldn't blame urself if i finally give up on life. maybe finally i do something that u always wanted me to do and the only thing i can do right which is to kill myself and maybe than i can finally please u.