MOTHER

“im a burden, and im hurting. go easy on me im learning"

me and "mom" are getting along i think. but sometimes i feel like im just a substitute to my sisters only when my "mom" need someone to talk to. and to do her favor. 

so yesterday i tried to tell my "mom" y im so snappy and y i always get mad at and she shut me off telling me ppl just get mad at me because of myself that im annoying so i say she never once tried to listen to what i have to say.

so then i walk away clearly disappointed that my effort to tell her something is not enough to make her listen to me. and she just laugh it off. it kinda hurt me but i guess im used to this anyways. its just i wish she would've listen to me atleast once.

it hurt me knowing im not enough for her and that i will never be enough. i wish i can be a daughter she would be proud of. 

i wish i was prettier, that i have a smaller nose and a perfect feature. maybe if i have a talent or smarter she would love me like the rest of my sisters. 

why am i like this? i know its not my sisters fault that mom like them more but i cant help but feel the hatred and anger towards them building inside me. i just wish "mom" can love as i am. not just when i do her a favor. 

i wish she know that im not like this before. i never have this kind of anger in me if only she had tried to accept me for who i am. i didnt even like smoking but what else can i do? i cant talk to anyone. i never know how it feels like to be loved by my own parents.

is it wrong of me to want to be appreciated? am i selfish for wanting a little bit of attention from my own "mother"? maybe it is my fault. i dont know what to do anymore. i wanna end all this competition i have in my head to try to be more perfect than my sisters cuz i know i would never win. they're perfect in anything they do. even if they make a mistake mom would still love them as they are. but y not me?

i dont wanna smoke or hurt myself anymore but i have nothing else to turn to. i cant talk to my sisters cuz they would think im being selfish and childish. i cant talk to my dad cuz i dont have one. i cant even talk to my "mom" cuz she thinks im a nuisance, nothing but a burden. 

i cant stop smoking or selfharm cuz then i would be nothing. and i would have nothing else. i wanna be perfect. i must be perfect but i cant. if i tried to force myself it would be so obvious and ppl would hate me even more than they already have. 

im sorry for being snappy all the time. im sorry for being annoying and nothing but a burden and a disappointment to this family. i cant help but think i would be better off dead not that it would change anything in this household. and i cant help but have the feeling that my "mom" is praying for me to kill myself to lessen her burder for taking care of me.