Random poem I made for therapy

TW // Sexual Assault, Self harm, Descriptions of mild gore

Are they staring through me like an x-ray, or are they staring through me because I’m invisible? Do they see what is inside, therefore stay away, or do they not know I’m here. Or maybe I’m blind, and don’t have the ability to understand what they know. God please, don’t let them know. I wish for a lingering feeling of completeness. Not empty, lonely, hopeless, unknowing of my own identity. Stranger in another’s body, in more than one way. Feel? Touch? Or Waste? Rot? The knot in my chest grows more taut every time I see the smile cross your face with someone other then myself. Are you happy? Are you sad? Do I feel some way you don’t? Am I missing something? Is there a repeating ticking in your head? How fast? How loud? How frequent? Does it stop only to begin shortly after? Does it force the air out of your lungs? Is your brain necrotizing? Do you wither in self awareness and misplaced confidence and doubt? Do you cry of at the cold thought of me dying? Is death a sacred act? Do you love someone? Do you love me? Am I a fool for believing that I could ever make things work out in our home? Do you hurt when you bleed? I don’t. Do you feel stinging in your tongue because you think that maybe, just maybe, you could be someone other than yourself. My tongue stings because I know Im not all people want me to be. I feel the sting because I have flaws, those which cannot be loved. I wish to love myself, but I wish you would love me more. Do you fail to think whenever theres a chance that you aren’t yourself. Am I all everyone says I am? No, not at all. Smart, kind, happy, confident? Muddy, ruined, damp, soaked. Lay on me like a bloodied mattress. Spit on me like a mangy mutt. Take my hand and break it. Scoop the fat off my stomach, arms, hips, legs. Burn me to ash, then inhale all my organs, drink from my neck the emulsified blood which carries my sins. Drink a glass of wine, dip the bread, loathe. Bathe in the organs of lamb. Tear your skin off your false face. Is this jamais vu?