#girlboss

little rant but i hope it comes across as #relatble and not #go back to therapy bitch.

im so fuckin done with the whole girlboss thing. like actually. because i thought this shit was just some fake unrealistic misogynistic bullcrap, except every girl i know seems to meet these expectations just fine. the expectation that girls should be happy and healthy and smart, and have their life together, or if theyre gonna be sad, can they at least have the courtesy to be pretty while doing it, a beautifully tragic kind of ordeal you know?

after five failed applications i got a job, but only because one of my friends knew the manager, so that was all the hard work done  for me. i solved a simple maths question today but only after twenty minutes of sobbing, a warm shower, another breakdown, then getting my friend to solve it for me and give me an in-depth explanation of how she did it.

and sure i can say "well fuck capitalism, if only people with contacts can get jobs, then the system is broken" and "hey, its hardly my fault ive been given shitty maths teachers recently, i can only work with what im given" but that dosent change how co-dependant i am on everyone around me. theres only a certain extent to which you can blame your environment. im the common factor in all my lifes problems so far, so to quote taylor swift here:

"It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me"

i feel drained myself, but then i also feel draining to everyone around me. i was always the gifted kid, i had so much potential, i should be good at this shit, sow why do i feel that with every passing day im just becoming more and more like the people i hate.

if not even for my own sake, but for the sake of all the people i care about, i wanna be a #girlboss too. its so frustrating working on myself so hard, all the time, yet still being the exact same pile of shit i was at the start. you cant put lipstick on a pig, maybe this was all i was ever meant to be.