ROM: My State of Mind.

ROM. [Reflection of Memories] 4/20/2022

I feel lost beyond recognition. 

I feel alone, unfulfilled, when I hear midnight chirps I am reminded of a time of dark place in my life. I saw a video titled Berserk as a Nietzschean Tragedy — Art, Morality, Affirmation 

By YouTube Video Essayist: Jonas Čeika of CCK Philosophy. which prompted me write this. i put on Guts theme by music composer Susumu Hirasawa and wrote the following.

"I feel like a lost insecure lonely impulsive misguided ghosts, piloting a shell of a person from trauma that was outside of my control. I have blamed the world and its environments for which i have no control over, my parents, and finally myself. The sad truth is I must move forward.

Escapism has left me numb and detached, the world is a sandbox  stripped of its humanity behind a paywall. Legacy, status, money, consumerism, god, sex, vices, addiction nationalism. nostalgia  are a hollow endeavors that blind humanity like opiate. Spirituality has been Recuperated and people worship the church altar of capitalism and its spectacles.

My only constant is my life, it feels like a Sisyphean task to get out of bed.

to be happy often falls short out of lack faith or discipline, along side other factors,  life is a  mysterious, chaotic force of its own with its nuances, including ourselves. Anyone who claims to know all is foolish. The the human condition and death is the only thing that guides and humbles us all. 

"I dream of my future remote from time bounds. Becoming myself without any end, Becoming my self in truth." 

- Men I Trust - I Hope to be Around. 

The universe is waiting for me to meet halfway. I just don't know when, but i yearn and long to reach out and grip its arm tightly to embrace it. 

All that I have is a untapped ember hope All I within that there will be better days. I hope the camel within withers, my only assurance this feeling is temporary. have is myself to compare from yesterday. My suffering is not unique, but I find comfort that I am not alone. "

4/8/2023

After completing volume 42 of Berserk is a Japanese manga series written and illustrated by Kentaro Miura. RIP. 

I been so moved, by his work there was chapters that moved me and resonated with me that many chapters I cried and felt a spiritual sense vigor and hope. Spring Flowers of Distant Days.

As of late I have felt a sense of spiritual envy or yearning, to express myself artistically, to be surrounded by family and friends. 

There was time i stopped believing in God, i felt nauseous almost sick, and felt like my soul left me. 

I feel my heart fan the flames of embers of my soul to a fire. 

I sit on the bonfire underneath the midnight sun, I currently wonder where this fire will lead me to among the darkness, There are many mountains I need to climb in many areas in my life. I been assessing my values and my beliefs. 

I will embrace the time in which i live and look and live in the  present like a future nostalgia, 

all around me is interconnected, all around us are historical enriching marvel of humanity, everything has value and meaning. my ethnicity, my name,  my gender, my sex, my race, my culture, politics, class, race, language, your ablity. where I grew up, the building I lived, the celestial bodies surroundings us, nature, animals, the warm embrace of the sun, the air I breathe, my family. 

my friends the contributions of humanity of the past, I am grateful for famers who have made grown and harvested the food, everyone who did there part. 

I ask of you to look within, to reach out to your friends, neighbors, family, to be vulnerable unapologetically, to question your surroundings, yourself, the values, thoughts, your feelings, and belief in which you hold. . Hold your friends and family love them with all your heart, tell them you love them for which in the end that's all we have in end is each other. 

Question all  hierarchies, authorities, systems for which has poison the wells of our mind, bodies and soul.  

Songs

Japanese Breakfast - The Body Is A Blade 

Uyama Hiroto - Soul of Freedom feat. Cise Starr

Seabird -Babeheaven  (Cover from Alessi Brother)

Elis Regina & Tom Jobim - "Aguas de Março" - 1974 (beautiful lyrics translated)

Nujabes (Rest in beats)