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In one of those moods where I just want everything to slow down. But do I? I feel like I've never known peace. My entire life has been full of always doing more than I'd done before. That's growth... right? Being young is about doing things while you can, living life to the fullest. I definitely understand that doing more doesn't equal doing better- you have to do things that are meaningful to you. But I am doing things that are meaningful to me. My schoolwork, my job, the student organizations I'm a part of, my friends, are all important to me. So why do I still feel like I'm drowning?
There's a quote from Ender's Game, right at the end, that really sticks with me.
"We have to go. I'm almost happy here."
"So stay."
"I've lived too long with pain. I won't know who I am without it."
That is kind of how I feel, I think. I've never been without pain. I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not constantly pushing myself past comfortable, past sane even. I have this hunch that I'm destined for something important and I have something inside me that doesn't let me stop reaching for it. I run until I stumble and fall, and I still can't stop myself from getting back up and heading towards it again. I realize how dumb it sounds, I feel stupid even saying this anywhere, but it's true. I've never known what that something that's inside me is. It's not conscious, and every attempt to get rid of it has failed.
I don't know how to end this. The title of this blog post is a reference to "Slowtown" by Twenty One Pilots. I guess I'll end with that.
Hey, hey, wouldn't it be great, great
If we could just lay down and wake up in Slowtown?
Today, day
I want to go away, way
'Cause things are too fast now
I want to be in Slowtown
Comments
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Brandon
I remember a huge sense of urgency when I was your age. There was this foreshadowing of something "next" that I had to get ready for.
I've had lots of great events, most were regular days. I think early in life, I overlooked a lot of things because I was so distracted by that feeling and looking for it. It was like missing the forest because I was so busy looking for THE tree.
Here's hoping you get to enjoy things and don't always feel so overwhelmed.
chasey
Don't even know how to express in words how much I understand what you mean. I experienced severe burnout a few months ago and ever since I can't function the same, but I despise it. I'm the president of a huge student organization. I used to do a lot more, I championed causes, I pushed myself past the limits. And I miss it! I shouldn't, because it's what got me here, but I do. I feel like my schoolwork feels less important to me now, despite it still being what I want to do. I feel like because I have this ability, or had, or something; I needed to push it. I was destined to, maybe not change the world, but change something- I had the skills for it. And like, maybe I still do, it's still entirely possible to make change, but I have to rebuild before anything. It's really hard to get used to. Slowing down. And I can't even give you advice, because I couldn't slow down voluntarily, the tires just went out.
glad to know im not alone but sorry to hear you're going through a similar thing!! def relate to the bit about the tires going out- i've hit some bumps where it feels like i can't keep on this way anymore, i know it's not sustainable, but after a short mandatory recovery period i can't bring myself to continue resting. i feel like i'm being really dramatic and just describing being a workaholic, but that feels too reductionist (is that a word lol?) :/
best of luck to you friend!
by kip; ; Report
I absolutely know what you mean, workaholic seems reductive but that... technically is somewhat true I guess? I just want to make an impact, and help, because I think I can, and that I'm good at it. Recently my roommate, who I've confided in some of this too, asked about and made me realize I have been in leadership roles since middle school, and now I'm entering my final year of university. I'm still even now struggling to stop; I know I can't be fully responsible for a huge organization again, but I was still tempted to enter a leadership position for another org I like, to which my roommate was like "with love, DO NOT DO THAT." so honestly his intervention has been the primary thing keeping me at bay. I just feel like I *should* do something more, constantly.
by chasey; ; Report
i'm graduating in august and currently finishing my term as president of a pretty decently sized student organization and i kind of wish i had not signed up for that during my senior year lol- shit has hit the fan in my personal life and it's completely exhausted me having to deal w all that in addition to the high level of baseline responsibilities i've given myself this school year :')) i think not signing yourself up for something like that sounds like a very wise decision. you have a good friend on your side!
by kip; ; Report