When it all becomes too much

So I was released this week from my 4th 5150. I have struggled with mental health since I was 12 and when doctors say its a lifetime disease, they aren't lying. The ironic thing about those who suffer from mental health are the most adept at hiding it. We can be in a room full of every single person we know and maybe 2% of the people would be able to tell something is wrong. If you saw me at work or with My family you'd think I was a perfectly sane person, cause I am able to mask the pain easily around my loved ones. I can be laughing with everyone at a joke, but in the back in my mind I am working on my suicide plan. I began cutting late in life but its something I haven't been able to stop for longer than a few months. I am now on day 10 of no self-harm which is the longest I've gone in 6 weeks. In an attempt to end it, I cut deeper than I normally do so these new scars are very hard to hide.

It finally came to a point that I had to tell my Wife or I was going to follow through with the plan. We are now in the midst of getting me full time care in a controlled facility. The fact that I will be spending time with people I don't know how to deceive is going to make me very accountable for my actions. While this is all very depressing to go through, its what is best for not just me but for anyone who has a struggle with their emotional balance. If you think You or a loved one is planning on suicide please reach out to someone who can help. Family, friend, therapist, school counselor, bus driver, neighbor, it doesn't matter who just as long as you are safe. If you don't have anyone you trust enough then there are many hotline numbers you can call. The suicide hotline number is: (800) 273-8255. You can also contact the National Alliance of Mental Illness at nami.org