Free?

I finally did what I thought couldn’t be done: I left home. 

It was a long time coming, honestly, but it was a weird way to leave. My family left me at home alone for an hour and when they got back, I was gone. I packed my things and left. 

I cried a lot afterwards. I cried as I packed, I cried in the car ride to my friend’s house, I cried all the way until I had a gig. It was such a heartbreaking feeling, as if I was grieving myself. I wondered for the longest time if I made a mistake, but I think everyone knows this is the best thing I could have done for myself. I’m giving myself the chance to be happy.

But I miss my youngest siblings. I miss talking to them in the living room about trivial things. I don’t know how I’m gonna go day to day without them. I’ll obviously talk to them online, and I do have to go to Wellington with them, but it’s weird to think that I can’t just go and annoy them whenever I want to. I hope they’re alright. I know they’re probably hurt in the mean time, but I hope they don’t think this means I don’t love them. 

I kind of feel bad for my father, though. The texts he sent me warmed my heart as well as broke it. I never realised how much he cared about me until I left. All the hatred I assumed he’d have for me after I disappeared turned out to be nothing but useless worries. My mother hasn’t said a word to me.

I can’t be mad at her, I shook up her world in a single day. A part of me feels so guilty but another part of me feels relieved. She’s a good person, but she wasn’t the best for me. I wish things could have been better for us.

On the plus side, I finally get to do everything I want to do. I can get piercings and tattoos and be myself. I don’t have to tiptoe around my parents now. I feel hopeful for once. I used to feel so trapped in my home, but I broke free. It was messy as hell, but at least it happened.

I’d like to still be close with my family. I want to pop in for dinner every now and then, and I want to talk to them online about random things. This doesn’t have to mean I’m cutting contact completely. I just need room to grow.

I should go to bed now. I have work soon. I’m staying at my friend’s house and I’m super grateful to his family. They showed me a love and kindness that I didn’t feel at home. When he led me to my new room, he said “Welcome home” and I almost started crying then and there. Even more, his mother left flowers and a card on the bed for me. I’m always going to be thankful for them, and I’m always going to try make it up to them. 

I guess I didn’t plan things out properly, but here’s to the next crazy chapter of my life.