jun

there’s lots of things i wanna say to u but most of all i owe u an apology for how much of a shitty person i am. u deserve everything great the universe have to offer but instead u met me and chose to stick around and stay with someone like me. 

eventho u’re a great person but we had our flaws. the saddest part abt us is everytime i tried explaining to u how i felt or what i was overthinking abt, u just thought i was trying to start an argument. all i wanted was for u to understand what i was feeling. sometimes its hard for me to communicate how i feel because i dont always understand why i felt the way i felt. i need someone to under my silence. sometimes i really dont wanna vent. i just want someone to be there for me so that i dont feel alone. with u i felt the most comfortable i’ve ever been to anyone but sometimes ur actions can hurt me without u even noticing it. 

i wasnt looking for anything at all when i met u. actually, i wasnt planning on falling for anyone so soon. but then i met u and that was it. i guess things just happened. i found u and i found myself slowly wanting to spend time with u. it was simple, it was easy. and i think thats how the best relationships begin. you’re not looking for anything and then suddenly you realise u have something but the sad reality of bpd is that im a lot happier when i focus on myself, falling for someone makes me relapse. its sad that i cant experience love and happiness. i cant seem to have both. somehow i always ruin good things that happened to me. 

im sorry when we met i wasnt really in the best place of mind maybe that took a big part why things didnt turn out as beautiful. 

or maybe when we met i was still incapable to think because i am still a child. maybe what i was looking for isnt lover at the time but someone to guide me, to be an adult in my life and u gave me that. u gave me advices about being an adult. i think there are people that help u become who u end up being. and u can be grateful for them even if they were never meant to be in your life forever. im glad i knew u too. 

i do love you, by the way. i mean as much as im capable of loving anyone. which is never enough. im sorry. i got more of u than i ever deserved. if u never talk to me again i just want u to know that i appreciate it and i appreciate u.