[Vent] Too Much Love With Nowhere to Go, Not Even The Mirror

You know, for all the unbearable weight of love with nowhere to go, the responsibility for others I've placed on myself, the value I've placed on at the very least taking care of my physical form; I'd at least hope I could write something beautiful like what's above.

I wish I could write like that because I wish I could think like that. Wouldn't it be glorious to simply not feel the cognitive dissonance of feeling that no effort is worth it, but putting so much effort into it anyway?

("All this love I've got to keep to myself / All this effort to make it look effortless...")

It's strange, I suppose it's the lack of positive reinforcement for it. But usually a lack of reinforcement slowly but surely stops a behavior, it doesn't usually make the behavior continue, but with a weird grudge about it.

I've been struggling to know what to do with myself as of late. I feel stuck, like my life will never change, that I'll never be satisfied with that, and that it, in some way, is my fault. For being too forgiving, or too much of a loser, never fighting in ways that weren't some kind of valor, justice. Did I need to just bite and claw, make myself less palatable? "A friend to all is a friend to none." It feels like it doesn't really work that way. If I don't try to be a friend to all, if I don't dedicate myself to others, it's like I don't exist. I am feeling a little bit more at ease in it. If the effort doesn't feel like it's worth it, than it's... not worth doing. But it's the ease of... pain management. Whether it'll ever be enough is debatable. I miss being desired. It has only really ever happened once or twice, but it feels now like it won’t happen again. 

I don't know, what makes me almost additionally resentful is that I know that realistically these problems aren't unique. I'd like to imagine I maintain some uniqueness by how much I've accomplished; how respectable people see me, how well-put-together. I've been told I radiate an energy of "having my shit together." That it makes some people excessively open up to me, like strangers sitting next to me on a bench and lamenting how their girlfriend cheated on them, but also makes people terrified of me, of feeling like a mess in comparison if they get too close. I find this strange at times, but it's a box I have somehow put myself in. A strange, strange box. But I know just feeling alone, like nothing I do matters, is not unique. I've already complained a million times already about my efforts never seem to be enough.

The worst of my reactions to the situation at hand is that I could just... end it. End the repeating cycle of disappointment. The best reaction is maybe I could learn to live with the disappointment. Not being disappointed doesn't usually seem possible.

I wish I could just fix that. Write beautiful things. Look to the future and not see... the same. That's where I get stuck. As is usual, though, maybe I'll hold out a little hope that it can be fixed, but otherwise... just have to continue going about the motions. Que sera, sera... Whatever will be, will be.